Love, your baby girl.

Is Anybody Out There?

2010-01-17T09:55:00.001-08:00

So I don't even know if anyone reads this, since I hardly write on here anymore. Really when only big things pop up in my life.
And i guess this is big... I am planning on taking the certification test to become a High School history teacher!!!
When I graduated high school, that was my original plan. I was very influenced by my high school history teachers and learned many life lessons as well has history lessons. The teacher that influenced me the most in high school and has remained a very very very close friend was Theresa Douglas. Now, I am allowed to call her Theresa since I have a college diploma, but that hasent really worked out and she is still Mrs. Doug to me. She and her husband came to so many volleyball game, spent so many hours on AIM with me during the summer, sent so many texts and emails through college, and supported me in all I did. On my way back from Abilene on New Year's Eve, I got a call from Theresa... I thought it was going to be a "be careful there may be ice and we dont like the idea of you driving on it" call. But when I answered, she was on the other end crying. She asked me if I was driving and I said, "Yes", she told me I needed to pull over, but then quickly changed her mind to me calling when I got back in Houston. I knew something wasent right and I started thinking of all our common friends that could be hurt, or worse. After a couple of texts saying she was freaking me out, and responses back telling me not to worry because she was fine, I was sill high strung and had 3 more hours to drive. Finally, I got a call from my good friend, Sarah Douglas who also had Theresa in school and was introduced to me her freshman year at ACU by our common mentor. "Have you talked to anyone from CyFalls (my HS)?" After using choice words and yelling, Sarah finally told me that Rich, Theresa's husband, had passed away unexpectedly. I swerved over to the shoulder, almost cutting off another car and LOST it. I now knew why Theresa didn't tell me... she knew how I would react and knew I would not be in a safe state to drive the rest of the way. After minutes of bawling, I called my mom who calmed me down enough to be able to call Theresa and let her know that I had found out. I made that second half of my drive faster than I ever had and ever will make it again. It was not safe and it was not the best choice, but above all--- I KNEW I needed to get to Theresa. I did and one of the roughest weeks of my life started. What do you say to a 37 year old woman who's 36 year old husband just died unexpectedly? How do you choke back your own tears when your heart is breaking for the man that was as close to being a father as anyone BUT my father? How do you remain the rock when the person who was your rock for 8 years is crumbling? I answered all these questions and cried in my own time and emersed myself in the visitation, my words about Rich in front of many people, the funeral, the reception, Theresa, and most of all--- taking over her classes.

I have now been a high school economics teacher for 8 days and i have at least 4 more. And when I mean a teacher--- I mean, I teach these children. Theresa has made no plans and does not need to. I have found out in these past 8 days that I CAN be a HS teacher and I am going to try my hardest. I still love elementary. And honestly, if I don't get an offer at Cy-Falls, I don't see taking a HS position over an elementary position for a while. But, if I could work with the people that touched my life for so long....and still do, I know I will be the lucky one.

As for my walk right now... I'm exhausted. Some nights I cry, some nights I remember the good times and the hugs. I never know what the next day will bring--- and honestly, I believe that is the way it is suppose to be. I never WANTED to end up in Houston. I remember talking to Rich about that, and his answer always was, "We don't know why now, but God has a plan for you here and you are needed here." I can't tell you the pain it brings my heart when Theresa tells me, "Now we know why you are here. I need you." I wish she didn't need me. I wish he was still here. I wish he got to screen boyfriends, like he looked so forward to doing. I wish I still walked out of CyFalls from subbing and saw him there with his little midget car waiting for his wife, but coming with open arms, amazing hugs, and words of wisdom. I wish I could see his face. And I miss him.

Now, I do the best I can teaching and attempt to make the transition back to school easier for Theresa. I am working my butt off and feeling the rewards with her smiles, her thanks, and high fives and good grades from my kids. I hurt when they don't do their best and I rejoice when they do something they didn't expect... I don't know what else tells you that you are ready to be a teacher besides those feelings right there.

Rest up and look out for us, Rich. I miss you and love you.

Long Overdue Update

2009-11-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

So now that there is Facebook and Twitter, who needs a blog?!?!

Here is just an update from the past year so it doesn't look like I'm COMPLETELY lazy :)

I finally graduated in May. Thought I was going to have a job in Abilene and found out late in the summer that I didn't. Jobs, as most of you know, are not so readily available right now. So basically, I'm paying 6 figures to substitute. GGGGRRRRRREEEEEAAAAAATTTTTT. Luckily, my alternative career plan for the next yearish (maybe only til Dec. if I get lucky) is better than most people's. So I do feel blessed, but I have to remind myself daily to feel so.

I have been in elementary schools, a middle school, and now a high school. Let me tell you, folks. I can do elementary (my major) and I can do high school, but these middle school kids are out of CONTROL. I really only subbed at this school, because my favorite teacher of all time is now an AP there. Which brings me to my post. When we were chatting today, she told me about the one person who influenced her the most to become a teacher. And she told me to think about mine and always strive to be like that person. Little did she know, she is mine :) Because of this (I wrote this as a junior in college):

Okay, so I just talked to Kim and it made me look through my old emails. And I found this one, when we had to write to one of our college professors about our favorite teacher. I know I told you I wrote about you/ talked about you in my education classes a lot, but I dont think I ever sent you what I said. So here it is: remember, I was a junior so take it easy on it lacking in the grammar area, if it is :)

My Favorite Teacher was my eighth grade English teacher, Mrs. Hindt. There are several reasons I remember her being my favorite teacher and mentor. One of the things that I respected her as a teacher for, was the fact that she decorated her room for every new book we read. She went all out on decorations and it made me more excited, as a student, to learn about the book we were about to read. Mrs.Hindt also cared about us outside of the classroom. I played every sport in junior high and I vividly remember Mrs. Hindt sitting on the front row of the bleachers screaming for all of her students. Not many teachers took time outside of class to know what we were doing, but Mrs. Hindt did and I remember. I also remember how much knowledge she had for the subject she taught. She was so enthusiastic about what she was teaching, so it really didn't leave us much of a choice, but to be enthusiastic about it too. To me, it never felt like Mrs. Hindt thought of herself as being better than us, just because she was a teacher. She realized we were individuals and often tried to get down on our level, both physically and emotionally, to help us with school, problems, and most of all---emotions. My emotions were always safe in Mrs. Hindt's room and continue to be safe whenever I talk to her. Lastly, one of the cool and outrageous things about Mrs. Hindt was the fact that she never wore the same outfit twice in a school year. Also, Mrs. Hindt's reading glasses always matcher her outfit, and not in a black or brown type of way, but she must have owned over 50 pairs of reading glasses. She also painted her fingernails to match her outfit every day and she knew that it made us come to class excited...if not for anything else, but just to see what she would be wearing that day. I still keep up with Mrs. Hindt, almost seven years later, and I still feel like she cares for me the same way she did when I sat in her class on a daily basis! I will always remember Mrs. Hindt. I will remember the hugs, the smiles, the countless laughs, the life discussions, and the true passion and love she had for her students and her job. If I had to give credit to one teacher for influencing me to be a teacher, it would hands down, be Mrs. Hindt. Most students can't truthfully say they love their teachers, but every time I email Mrs. Hindt, I tell her- because it is true and it always will be. She was a huge part of my teenage years, the greatest teacher, and one of the best mentors a kid could have asked for.

From the mouths of babes (if junior year makes me a "babe"). Mrs. Hindt and I talk on a monthly basis and I substituted in her building for two days. Today, hearing the words, "BLOODY TRIFLING" coming out of her mouth brought back good memories and reminded me WHO I want to be as a teacher for the kids that are in my classes now, and especially for the kids that will be in my first classroom and every year after that. Teachers are one of the most important people on the planet. And I don't just say that because I am a teacher, I say that because I was a student...and I remember.

Prayer Request

2009-01-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

Thats my cousin, Ali's baby boy. His name is Cannon Mark and he was born on December 30, 2008.

This is where the prayer request comes in. Cannon has spina bifida. He was taken a month early, but seems to be doing fine right now. He had surgery to close the lesion in his back on New Year's Eve. At this time, they are waiting to see if he is going to need a shunt put it, something that is common for preemies.

Here is their blog for updates

Thanks for the prayers.

2008-11-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

Here is the one thing that can guarantee a smile out of me these days.

His name is Ranger and I found him about a week and a half ago. Lucky thing I took him too, because I heard the other puppies he was running around with got taken by the pound the next day. Anywho---he isn't staying with me, because he still whines and no way could I hide him in my non-allowing pet apartment. He is staying with Shelly, but I see him at least once a day and do all the mommy things. He is sweet and is a fast learner. I adore him and am glad I have something fluffy to hang on to for these rough times.

2008-10-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Branching from Kristi's blog...here are my thoughts.

God of Wonders,
I don't know how to even express these thoughts. It is so hard to see the good in things you do. I've been seeing so much hurt in the lives of two of the people i am closest here in Abilene. And when they were just coming out of the darkness, you hit us with something that is so much worse. I've made it past the past 6 months emotionally and I thought you had thrown me all the curves you had. Why did you choose her? Such an energetic and loving child. I will never forget the bouncing curls and the instant love my first summer in Portland. And the constant love and support the VDK's and Caiti have given me ever since. God, I love that family with a lot of my being. They follow you. I know you love them. I know you care for them. Please wrap them in your arms. Leukemia is such a scary and overwhelming thing. Especially for a 4 year old and her family. Please, God, show us how to be there for them. I want more than anything to be in Portland right now. I don't know what to do right now from so far away. I know my prayers are heard and I know that is just as important, but my hear still breaks because I can not be there. Please, God, help all who are involved and care for the VDK's.

Amen.
Me

2008-10-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing new really.
Observing.
Schooling.
Working.
Clubing (social club, not other...well at least not regularly enough to mention)

Oh funny thing. Was definitely in a little shoot out yesterday at a 7eleven. And Im fine, everyone is fine, but seriously I cant sleep and I am so nervous. Good hen distracted, but nights are the worst, truthfully. Thank goodness I have good parents that have been checking on me, a wonderful boss who stayed with me last night until my roommate got home because I couldnt be alone. Eventhough we just sat in silence. She is priceless to me... literally. Okay, so maybe it isn't that funny. I just figured it would lighten the blow for all of you readers, because anyone in abilene that knows has flipped out when I told them. So I tried to make it a little easier on you.

Student teaching should be fun. I got requested for the first half at a school where one of my club sponsors is the principal (which is 3rd and 4th grade) and now the early childhood teacher that i am observing has requested me for the second half...so i figure that will be a great array of ages for my resume.

Thats all.

2008-09-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Well, at least I made it before the one month point.
Life is just busy, folks. School started down here in the south last monday, but for me it started the thursday before that with a lil thing the education department likes to call August Experience. This little experiment puts all the students who will student teach sometime during this school year with a teacher for the two days before school and the first two days of school. You know, the most exhausting times for a teacher :)

I thought I did okay with the two days before school started. But then I ended up at the emergency clinic because I thought I was having a heart attack (seriously). And in Abilene you go to the clinic first because they see you faster than the ER and if you need to go to the ER you go from the clinic in an ambulance and that automatically puts you at the front of the line. Turns out they said it was just inflamation and strained chest muscles, but that it definitely feels like heart problems. Good grief, then the nurse came with the shot and Shelly got to see how I really react to needles, a feat she has only heard about. I'm once again glad she is hear as I sat bawling scared I was aging way too fast.

Then, The first couple of days of school I got left with an emotionally disturbed girl from my class who races toward streets and bangs her head against walls. I only have 17 more hours in this placement...thank the Lord. Tuesday afternoon I ended up at work, in Shelly's office bawling my eyes out and doubting the only life dream I have ever known. Thanks first to a phone call to Daddy and then Kristi Cash White and finally a long sit down and drinks with Shelly I am back on the rise again. I still have small doubts, but I'm sure everyone does when they are in their senior year with real life breathing down their back.

So here we go----19 hours of school, 70 hours of observation, at least 24 hours of work a week, and homework. Its going to be a long semester all about keeping my head above water. And hopefully with no more trips to the clinic....good grief.

2008-08-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have become one of those bloggers who use to confuse the crap out of me because they never blogged.

Well I mean, Im a college kid...its a busy life, seriously. Here are some highlights (or lowlights depending on how you choose to look at it)...

1. I moved to a smaller apartment, with less cable (seriously, ACU...MTV is inappropriate?), with slower and censored internet....but I like it better because I will never again have to deal with the management at the Grove apartments in Abilene, Texas.

2. Yesterday I finished my last two classes of summer. So in total, I spent my whole summer completing 5 classes. Now that I look back on it, Im kinda glad that I took summer 2 classes, because if I didnt I would have had a whole month off and that would have hardly seemed worth missing PUMP and PSP.

3. I have to take 19 hours next semester to be able to graduate on time. Gotta love it when your academic advisor tells you she "overlooked" four classes for your graduation place and you have to stay all summer and kill yourself in the fall in order to student teach in the spring.

4. I still really want to move to Portland, if all works out---I want to make a trip up there during Spring Break to put in application and get my name out there.

5. I moved three apartments (including my own) in less that a week and a half with mine and one of the other ones back to back days when one day (mine) had heat in the low 100's and the next day (boss' oldest son) had rain coming down....LAME

6. I work a lot. And I like it. A lot.

7. I really need to learn to manage money this next semester. It is getting to be crunch time...and I always do well under pressure.

8. Oh, talking about under pressure. I studied for my finals (that I took yesterday) for probably a combined time of about 4 hours. I locked myself in my boss' apartment because no one was there and I would not be distracted. Got to my first final only to have a girl who never comes to class ask if the test could be open notes. The professor agrees and then proceeds to make copies of the notes for those 5 students that never come to class. Glad I wasted my life on studying for a final that has NOTHING to do with my major.

9. Mamma Mia is absolutely fantastic! I went last night with Shelly and is was sooooooo amazing. I mean, musicals ARE my favorite but it was phenomenal. I cannot wait til it comes out on DVD.

10. I continue to amaze myself with how much I feel I am maturing and it scares me sometimes as I long for my independence.

I mean, I think that is it...the past month has been all about school and work so its not too exciting.

2008-07-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

This is me now. Probably significantly thinner, darker, and older than the last time any of ya'll have seen me. And what you cannot see in this picture is that I have gotten more mature in the past few months, as well. I really do like where I am in life right now, appreciate what is behind me, and anticipate what is before me.

2008-06-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

I dont really know what to say about life at this point.
It is way complicated and the thoughts in my head change on a daily basis. That is probably the worst part.

Main Points of lately:
1. I found out the class I was led to believe was in Summer 2 is actually in Summer 1.
2. Because of the above I will now be in Houston the 2nd week of July and Washington D.C./ Baltimore the third week.
3. My academic advisor "overlooked" 4 classes I need to graduate. After the nervous breakdown, I emailed the head of education and we will see what she says when she gets back on campus Monday---because that is just not fair. I worked way to hard to do everything my advisor told me I had to do to graduate on time.
4. I love Abilene. I love the people in it and I am so glad to be here.
5. Given the above, I still wish I was an intern sitting in PUMP for the first Sunday. I really will miss it.

I dont really know what else to say. Like I said, my views on life and the future change on a minute by minute basis....

2008-05-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

I realized I have not written anything on here in about a month, so I decided to drop a quick line.

I havent written on here in so long because it has kind of been a rough few weeks. I have been battling an emotional uphill climb that I can in no was describe or find a reason for. It has been the scariest, exhausting, and weird time I have had. I havent been sleeping and I havent been eating as much as I should, which is not good.

My mom told me a long time ago to go to the doctor, but I never went because I didnt want to and I just chalked it up to her not being here so she couldnt really see what was going on and I knew I was going to be okay in the long run. Well, Shelly finally freaked one night after I spent the night at her house and coerced me into making a dr appointment. I have refused medication thus far and am trying other things to get my emotions back in balance...we will see how that goes.

A counselor has told me that I have to let things go and stop looking for a reason and just let my "body tell me what it is trying to tell me". If you know me, you know this is a difficult thing for me because there is a reason for everything----especially when I feel like I am losing my mind. She also said things about finding out who I am for me and by myself not attached to anyone. So I have become the typical college student and stopped calling home everyday---something that is SO hard for me right now. I am just working and schooling and trying to relax. I have been forced to work less hours for the past week and although i dont like the paycheck that comes out of that break, it may be good for me---who knows at this point? My mom and aunt came down last weekend and it was good to see them, but I have been in the loner stage recently and it was hard not to just hang out in my room and do nothing---by myself. I havent really been hanging out much with people after school and work besides club events...but I am definitely going to fix that this week and end my break of all things social.

Life will get better, I know it will. I just want to know why and I want to know how to fix it so it will get better a lot faster. I do find myself wishing my parents were here, but I also know that maybe a small step from the sheltered life I once led may be a good thing for me---maybe it is just a step to full fledged adulthood. Im not by myself here---Shelly is amazing and my other friend from work, Sarah Doug is hilarious. But they also know sometimes I just want to sit there and gaze off into space and not talk. Silence has been golden for me recently and it is something I dont think I will ever again take for granted.

What comfort zone?

2008-04-06T20:40:00.001-07:00

Well, let's just start with the bad news. I got bottom braces on Thursday. Well, at first I was told I would not have to get bottom braces at all. Then uhhh I guess right after I got back from Christmas they confirmed that on April 1st my bottom teeth would be bogged down by metal brackets. So I go in on Tuesday expecting the worst. Only to come out with spacers and brackets, because the lady who scheduled my appointment did NOT have me come in first for spacers. Then I had to go back thursday to get the wire put in the brackets...OH AND RUBBER BANDS!!! That is right, I have rubber bands going from the inside of my top molars to the outside of my bottom molars. This, my friends, is NOT a fun thing. Overall summary, I have been miserable for the past three days in which I have not eaten anything and have not slept much, either. I do have a saving grace in Abilene, my boss/ close, close friend/second mom (Shelly....remember that name because I'm not going to keep repeating out long connection every time) who brought me a protein shake and a little medicine to get me through Saturday, because I begged her not to come in and hang out at home. So pray for the braces, because I am going to be VERY tempted to just take the rubber bands out, like I did this afternoon---SO much relief.

Today was phenomenal. Confession: I havent really been to church this semester. I fell into the trap of "I go to chapel three times a week (I have an exemption for T/Th for work) and Sunday is my only day to sleep in and get anything done." I was talking to Shelly about it a few weeks ago and how I feel bad about it, but I have never been one to go by myself or to be the third wheel of a couple. Come to find out---she generally goes by herself because her son oversleeps and her husband is kind of sparatic in the whole thing. So this morning was my first time to go. We went to Pioneer Baptist Church and attended The Gathering. It was a very interesting experience for me. I was really uptight at first because there were two boys on stage playing the guitars and one on the bongos (?), which I am obviously not use to. A gentle hand found it's way to my back and I leaned over and admitted to Shelly that this was my first time at a church with musical instruments. To this, she giggled and said not to think about that just to worship like I always do. So I started to follow the motherly directions and found out that I really did like it. During meet and greet a nice boy from Hardin-Simmons introduced himself to me and we kind of hit it off. Which was even more comforting to me that they like to make an effort there. We are going to another church next week and then will see if we like on a lot more than the other. It was good and felt good to be back in a real church again.

Then after we took a quick trip to Walmart, Shelly brought me back to my apartment and I changed clothes and took of to Sonic before going out to Hawley for Austin's (Shelly's son) play day. Play day is something totally out of my comfort zone, again. Basically, it is where kids as young as 2 (accompanied by parents, of course) to older adults ride their horses in different events to keep their horses in practice for bigger events. I rode a horse today, and I am pretty sure it was the first time I have ever done that..and I only did it because Austin asked me to. It was amazing what they can make horses do...and the horses are so gentle. A water fight broke out between me, Austin, and his girlfriend by the end and it was just an amazing time. I never would have thought I would be out in the country, on a horse, watching races...weird.

Lesson of today: Stepping out of my comfort zone can be a very good thing!

Responsibility

2008-04-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

I think I have blogged on this recently, but it seems to be the biggest thing on my mind. When i was growing up, I had responsibilities, but none were every make or break deals. The world wouldnt come off its axis if I didnt clean my room, no one would have emotional breakdowns if I didnt unload this dishwasher. Mom did laundry, Mom cooked, and I didnt work til the Spring Break of my senior year.

I sat down last night after a phone conversation with my boss/second mom/closest friend in Abilene and realized what exactly I have been doing this past semester.
I take being emotional support as being one of my biggest responsibilities. It is definitely not a needed one, but it is one that I took on a couple of months ago and am in no way willing to give up now. Its to the point where I feel needed and every girl likes to feel needed, especially when I'm only 21 years old. It has been a rough road and a few have questioned my loyalty to this situation. But its for the friendship, its for the person who I know will be there for me whenever I need even though she is having a hard time, and it is for the love that I rarely give out. I am here to stay til the end.

Work is a totally different thing. I have somewhat become head manager due to some unforeseen (okay i saw them coming) circumstances. We still have the same manager and she is doing as much as she can, but I have been picking up the pieces for a couple of weeks. At first I was really overwhelmed with all the new responsibility, but now I realize it is just getting me ready for the future. I mean, I graduate in a year and a month... gotta start getting things under control. Im working about 36 or 37 hours a week. It isnt as bad as last year, but it gets busy.

School is good. Like it a lot. Still able to concentrate on it. Taking 15 hours. What else is there to say? I mean, thats a responsibility.

Next semester is going to be good. I will go to school for 18 hours, observe about 70 hours in the semester, and work about 24 hours a week. My boss said she isnt going to let me work that much, but I will be done every day at 6....just like I am now....so I'll work that much.

I just make myself laugh when I look at how much I am taking on. Never in HS would I have thought I would be doing as uch as I am now. I dont think anyone who knew me would have imagined it. lol.

Its a good thing, responsibility

2008-03-26T21:16:00.001-07:00

Life has been stressful, hectic, but good.
I have gotten to be the happiest I haven been in my whole college career. I really like where I am in life, who I am with, and what I am doing. For the first time in a long time, I am not wanting to be somewhere else right now, but taking life as it comes. I work a lot, but what is new? I have no clue how much I have written this on here, but we got a new manager right before Christmas break and when I came back---we clicked immediately. Its kind of a cross between a really good friend and an abilene mom type person. She is the one who solely took care of me when I had the flu and who calls me when she hasent heard from me for a while. She makes work fun and I love her a lot.
And I am needed now...which some may understand, but I have never felt truly needed emotionally. And it is a big responsibility, but it is cool to be the chosen one in this certain situation.
Classes are really good. I'll be here all summer, but Ill make a good deal of money, too as I go to class in the morning and work the rest of the day, every day. I'm looking forward to a full summer- even though we all know I will miss the great Northwest.

Here is a pic of my favorite Abileneian who I know will remain one of my dearest friends for life.

2008-03-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Vegas this morning. It was soooooo much fun. I came back a lot richer, too :) I won 195.20 at just one penny slot. It was amazing...LOVED IT!!! I was the big winner of the fam and am pretty proud of it :)
It was a pretty exhausting trip, because we didnt get back to the room every night until either 2 or 3 texas time and then were rockin and rollin the next morning around 10ish texas time...and went all day every day.
Had a hard time leaving responsibilities behind for a week, but hey nothing burned down and everything was good.

Thats about it, really...Im in Abilene til August 7th now...and then i hope to fly to PDX on the 8th for Kristi Beemans wedding on the 9th---keep your fingers crossed!

2008-02-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm 21.
End of story.
Well it is actually a fun and exciting story, but I will not write it on here.
There are pictures on facebook and myspace.
I'm glad I have people who love me that waited for a text the next morning. And my momma who got calls throughout the night from my friend. And my boss who kept her phone by her bed in case she had to go to Dallas.

But I am responsible and it was fun.

That is all.

2008-02-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

I have had so many people for my emotional support over the years.

But, I have never been someone else's emotional support....until about two weeks ago. And it is hard...the blows keep coming her way. Tears keep coming from her eyes and it breaks my heart every time.

Please, keep this person in your prayers and me that I can be what she needs.

Other than that...life is good. Just FYI...because I am okay :)

2008-02-04T06:00:00.001-08:00

Life.
Oh yeah thats what I write on here about...for those that are far away.
I realized that I have not done that in a significant amount of time.

Life has been pretty busy. Sing Song is in two Saturdays, so for all of you Christian collegers....you know what that means. Even though we are not practicing as much as last year...it is still yet another thing to add to the almost already full schedule.

I am scheduled at work for 31 hours a week. It is overwhelming for me, truly. I am the assistant manager, so with that comes responsibilities. But it is good too and is teaching me delegation skills without being a jerk and having everyone hate me. The manager that started right before Christmas is doing amazing things for us. Trying to make it less stressful for us and taking on a lot of the crap that comes from the top. We are a lot alike, which means sarcastic banter a lot :) Which actually helps me not to hate going into work. She is great for the store. And i am just relieved a lot of the pressure is off of me.

School is good. I have yet to have a test. My first one is Wednesday. I am taking all education classes and I really like it (good thing, huh?) Taking two reading classes this semester..how handy would that have been? Oh well...

I really am enjoying this time in my life. I have realized that negative things happen. A big one happened and seems to keep happening, but I figure I cant fix it and that my life is awesome in so many ways and I am so blessed. So why focus on the bad things? That is just ridiculous....

Worship

2008-01-25T18:50:00.001-08:00

2008-01-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

This weekend was not an easy one for me.
It brought to my attention that sometimes I put way to much effort and my heart into friendships.
I have known that I tend to put more into friendships than I get out of them. It could be considered a flaw. This weekend, I definitely considered it a flaw that hit way too close to home. I have come to find with this flaw, I often get hurt and break down. And now that I have accepted this downfall, I know the only people I can trust all the time are my parents. It's a hard reality, but one I have got to face.

I have chosen to step back from most of my friendships, especially the long distance ones, to reevaluate how I destine myself for disappointment. I still have acquaintances here in Abilene, enough to not allow me to seclude myself every day.

I know it is going to be a long, hard, quiet road, but I think it is something I need to do in order to have sanity and stable friendships in the future.

2008-01-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

I just heard this song on Grey's and I just think it is pretty amazing. The woman singing it is Patty Griffin. Kelly Clarkson did a cover of it, but covers are never as good.

I hope you enjoy it

2008-01-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

So many people are writing about their "bests of 2007". I have no freaking clue. Now, if you asked me about my favorite job...that would be easy. Or the class that took the most of my free time due to studying...even easier. But favorite book, movie, or even song would all have answers crammed in from my 10 week stay in Portland this summer, the place I surprisingly had the most free time.

Last night, I made it back home after a 10 day stay in Portland. It was an amazing trip and flew by so fast...time always does up there...maybe those Oregonians should get that checked out. Knowing that I will not get to go back til July or August made leaving difficult, but as I get told every time I leave, "you will survive". It was so fun to get to hang out with so many great friends, kids, and in such a fabulous city.
Of course, I would like to thank the Whites, Grauls, VDKs, Kristi Beeman, and Cheronn for letting me crash in their houses on different nights. Its such and amazing feeling to me that makes me know I belong.

Some highlights of me week and a half trip:

-Falling asleep on my first night with one twin girl on each arm...only to realize after about 30 min that I could not feel either arm.
-PUMP on Sunday. I mean, really...it's amazing and indescribable.
-Allan White's amazing cooking...big props, man.
-Learning parenting skills from all the families I stayed with...if I move there, and have kids...they will be great.
-Wednesday night pure worship at the Tucker's. Simply the best singing ever.
-Sitting next to one of my best friends and closing my eyes and hearing her sing and feeling absolute comfort.
-The sense of accomplishment I had after taking all three of the White children to see Alvin and the Chipmunks, and not having to call their parents for back up.
-Fiona not crying when she came to me...and actually WANTING me to hold her.
-Trinity's permanent spot in my lap.
-PUMP Children's laughter.
-Trying to help Lori understand that the problem of finding jeans long enough and skinny enough for Anna will probably last her whole life.
-Riding in silence with Cheronn...which with anyone else would have been totally awkward for me.
-Future life plan discussions with Kristi Cash White.
-Karla's potato casserole.
-IKEA with Cheronn, eventhough I was not impressed by PDX IKEA.
-Transformers at the Graul's.
-The White's trust for me with their children and their car.
-The incredible joy I got from tickling all the VDK girls.
-Being known as, "Texas Girl" by Cheronn's volleyball team...hey gotta be known for something, right?
-Watching crabs eat a bird with a broken wing, on TV, in the girls' eye dr. with Casey Nell.
-The "Taco Bell" adventure with Kristi B.
-Playing volleyball for the first time in a while.
-Reading, "Elmo says Achoo" with Fiona about 10 times this morning alone, and more in the previous week.
-Connors amazing ability to read and to figure things out on his own.
-Joe's laughter when I called him "Best friend"
-The amazing feeling that no matter what I do, I have people up there that love me and want the best for me.
-Me and Lori's conversation around her "fireplace" at 1 in the morning.
-And most importantly, not feeling like I have to impress anyone when I go to church on Sunday morning to worship God.

Once again, thanks for the amazing visit. Every time I come back, it makes me more sure of what I want to do after graduation.

2007-12-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

Christopher Lloyd Watson
November 22, 2007- December 22, 2007

You were loved more in your one month than some are loved in their whole lives.

Are you Lord God Almighty?

2007-12-19T21:06:00.001-08:00

So there was FINALLY an opportunity to see Christopher's full face today. And of course, his Daddy pulled out the camera and started taking shots, which I am SO thankful for. I'm not quite sure why this took place, but I feel so blessed that it did!

Here he is...

...I know it doesnt seem like a big deal, but really when you have had a son for almost a month and you just now get to see his face. I am so glad this happened for my cousin and really for his whole family. We love him so much and he is such a little fighter!

God is good.

Jessica tagged me...

2007-12-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping Paper.

2. Real tree or artificial?
I like real trees, but my apartment didnt allow real trees and my momma bought a fake on I guess after Christmas 2005 so fake is what it is now....but real when I get my own

3. When do you put up the tree?
At school we put it up like two weeks ago. Here I dunno when the parents put it up.

4. When do you take down the tree?
Usually we take it down at home the week after New Years, because my mommas extended family comes over on New Years day and we do Christmas then

5. Do you like egg-nog?
I dont think I have tried it

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Thats really hard, I dont even know. I get great stuff every year.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
I think there is one in our dinging room on the buffet

8. Hardest person to buy for?
Daddy, but my momma made it easy this year. Cheronn is not easy, though.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
Loren, my brother.

10. Worst gift you ever received?
A certain shirt I got

11. Favorite Christmas movie?
I like Love Actually. Not really a Christmas movie, but it happens during Christmas time, so it is to me.

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
I bought one thing last week and I havent bought my family's yet even though I know what I am getting them all

13. Have you ever recycled a present?
Nope

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Food. We never really do typical stuff. So I am going with mommas mashed potatoes

15. Clear or colored lights on tree?
Clear. Hands down, no question

16. Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells

17. Travel or stay home?
I stay home for Christmas. I am leaving the 28th this year, though. YAY PORTLAND

18. Can you name all of the reindeer?
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, RUDOLOPH!!!

19. What is on top of your tree?
A big green and red with gold plaid bow

20. When do you open presents?
Christmas Eve with Mommas family, since last year..after Gram's on Christmas Eve with my momma daddy brother and sis in law, whenever everybody can get in town with daddys family, and New Years Day with Mommas extended family

21. Most annoying thing this time of year?
Christmas music so stinkin early

22. Favorite ornament theme?
I like the one my mom has now. The Christopher Radco ones. But, I think I may have two trees when i get enough room. One for my childhood ornaments (in my room) and one with a theme going on (in the living room)

23. Favorite food for Christmas dinner?
I dunno. Mashed Potatoes

24. What do you want for Christmas this year?
A laptop and a digital camera. I mean, I lost both of them in some way in my wreck.

Ill tage you if you wanna do it.

Christopher's Carepage

2007-12-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

This is the website you want to go to for updates on my cousin. I have realized that mine have started becoming more scarce, as I am checking the page late at night right before I go to sleep, or in the morning, right before I leave

If you cant get to it from this link it is carepages, come and his username is thanksgivingbaby

He is doing well. He reached 2 pounds yesterday! That is really exciting in itself. He has both eyes open now and can see the light of the hospital. The doctors have started draining about 15 ccs of fluid each day instead of 10 because his ventricles are stsill enlarged.

Thanks for your prayers. They mean more to our family then you could ever know.

2007-12-12T11:05:00.001-08:00

Christopher made it through surgery and it went well!

And the little man even opened his left eye for the first time yesterday! He is still workin on that right one, but he is going to make it!

Thanks for the prayers!

2007-12-10T20:50:00.001-08:00

Christopher is having brain surgery tomorrow.
To relieve fluids that have backed up in his ventricles.
Prayers would be really cool.

...I cant really stand to see this little guy not make it.

2007-12-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

So we got another update.
Christopher is doing well. He is recovering from the heart surgery that closed his heart valve. We are still hoping that the bleeding in his brain is starting to subside and that the damage it has already caused is minimal, since it is irreversible.

Here are a couple of new pictures of the little guy.

Notice his Daddy's wedding ring on his arm...there is just a little perspective

My cousin is Lele (the proud Momma) and there is Blake and Christopher!

Thank you so much for the prayers. They definitely were heard.

2007-12-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

I have to run to work, but Christopher is having surgery today to fix the open heart valve.

Thanks for the prayers.

2007-11-29T19:34:00.000-08:00

When they went back in to a brain ultrasound today, it was discovered that Christopher has had some significant bleeding in his brain in the past four days.
The effects of a brain bleed never really heal. It's going to be a long time before we can see what damage the bleed has caused. The doctors are also not sure if the bleed has stopped, or if it is still continuing.

This is obviously not good news. Prayers are appreciated.

Update on Christopher.

2007-11-28T09:04:00.001-08:00

Pretty much right now in my life...this is all that is worth talking about.

I have been in constant reading on Christopher's care page that has been set up online to get updates and I think I check it more than anything.

First, my cousin is still in the hospital. Her blood pressure is still too high for her to be released, but we are hoping she will not be there too much longer. While she is there, it is a great blessing for her to get to be so close to Christopher, and she actually got to change his little diaper yesterday. But, my thoughts keep gravitating toward her in this hard time---as she wants to return homw to her two other children, but is not yet healthy enough.

Christopher is still staying strong. They have to limit his movement, so he doesn't lose too many calories, but from what I understand--he is a little sqwirmer. Our concerns right now are with his brain and his heart. So far, there has been no bleeding in his brain, but he is going to go in for another brain ultrasound today to make sure that remains the same. There is a valve in his heart that needs to close, and they are working on getting that achieved with IBprofen treatments. If that doesn't work, surgery is always an option, but obviously not the most favored one. Good news--they were able to let off a little bit on the support given to him through the ventilator, because he is becoming a strgoner breather.

It is hard to be so far away with all of this going on and the stress that is the end of a semester, on top of that. I cannot wait for the semester to be over and to hear more good news from Georgia.

Please, keep praying for the Watson family and sweet little Christopher.

Christopher Lloyd

2007-11-24T14:45:00.001-08:00

This is my new third cousin, Christopher Lloyd. Yes, a famous name for a boy who is destined to be something special.
Christopher was born at 24 weeks, on Thanksgiving Day, weighing in at 1 pound 5 ounces and 12.5 inches long. His parents have been trying for a long time for him and after two adoptions were finally blessed. Leigh (my cousins and Christopher's momma) developed preeclampsia two days prior to his birth. After pumping her with steroids for those 48 hours, he was finally born. They say he has been strong so far, but that it is going to be a long, hard, difficult road for Christopher. Leigh should be out of the hospital in a few days, but between hospital visits she has a 5 year old and an 18 month old at home.

Please pray for this family. Eventhough they are my second cousins, we are pretty close and I am really longing to be with them now.

2007-11-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

I think you should...

go to this website

2007-11-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer from the author:
In December I plan to spread myself between all the families in PUMP and love on everyone during my visit. I am in no way attached to one person for this visit. I want to see and spend time with all of ya'll. So no assumptions about what I'm doing...just ask and I'll probably say yes to what you want to do!

I also plan on sleeping on many couches and hanging out at many different houses....

YAY

2007-11-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

I took part in an All Saints Day worship in one of my classes today when we were asked to light a candle for a person who made a huge impact on our christian walk.

Belinda, this candle is for you.

The Crowd or the Cross?

2007-11-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

I kind of wish I could show this to every teenager in the world today. I remember those days and it was a tough choice between these two things. Even today, it still is...

2007-11-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have not really even written anything about life on here in a while. It seems that college is pretty repetitive, which is okay with me. Here are a few points of the past few weeks to sum it all up...

1. Work is better this year. I trained the manager and from that experience she has been kind enough to give me the utmost respect this year. It really makes my whole work environment entirely different and a lot less stressful. I do still work what some would consider "a lot" (about 26-28 hours a week). After Thanksgiving it will go up to about 41 a week or so if I choose to work every day. I figure for three weeks I can handle it. All of my tests are over the first two days of testing, which means I can get in some good hours before my parents come on Dec 15th for my cousins wedding.

2. Apartment life is good. Whenever three girls get together, there is bound to be some drama....but we work it out and live among each other just fine :) Out of all my roommate situations, this is definitely the best one. I have become better at the whole domestic thing. I scrub my bathroom every Saturday and straighten my room the same day. Cooking still has not come full steam ahead, but with working and pledging and learning....who has time?

3. Our pledges got in last night. Its cool to have 10 new faces. I definitely have a special place for a few of these sweet sophomores and am really glad they chose GATA.

4. I have got to stop making kids cry. We have been teaching jump rope at a local school for my elementary physical activities class. My class got put with the kindergarten class. My two jump ropers were Madison and Jeremiah. Madison let me call her Maddy after the first day...something she told me she only lets her mom do...it was pretty funny to watch her classmates' reactions when I called her Maddy---you could tell they had not heard it before. Jeremiah is a typical boy and concentrated on being the best boy jump roper in his class. Maddy focused more on me. She learned jump roping by jumping with me in the same rope. Eventually, she got out on her own...and it was a sweet thing to watch her face light up when that rope went under her feet twice without stopping. We went there for 6 days. Today was the last day and it was an event called Jump Rope for Heart. Finally, I had to leave for my Bible class---I didnt want to, but I knew there was a quiz waiting for me and I could not miss it. I walked up to Jeremiah and told him I had to go to class. He gave me a quick hug, said "bye", and jumped back in line to jump rope. I walked over to Maddy and she started bawling and would not let go. I love that I have this effect on kids, really it is a blessing, but it is so hard to see that blessing through those kids' tears. That little girl was the sweetest part of my week these past two weeks and I'll miss her a lot, but I am so thankful for the experience I had.

5. Oh I finally got my car back last week. I dealt with everything myself and after a little glitch in the whole process I felt grown up in the end. I am definitely more confident in myself as an adult than before I went through this. I am really glad my parents put it all in my hands---even though I got quite frustrated at times. Now all I need is a new silver A&M emblem and we are READY TO GO!!!

6.What else? Oh yes----I am flying to Portland on December 28th. I am pretty pumped (no pun intended, but you know...). I have come to really like plane rides and cannot wait for fun at PUMP. Oh and with PUMP people too----and REAL snow doesnt hurt either :)

2007-10-31T06:37:00.001-07:00

Create your own MySpace Countdown Counter Today!

YAY FRIENDS, PUMP, AND SNNNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!
(oh and I'm pretty pumped about a plane ride :)

What If?

2007-10-26T08:15:00.001-07:00

Reba McEntire - What If

Add to My Profile | More Videos

2007-10-23T17:04:00.001-07:00

Update on Life: I'm alive.

Really, everything else is the same. Fall Break is this weekend, but I'm staying to work. Yuck, but hey---it's money and will allow me to focus on a paper on Sunday, so maybe a blessing in disguise---and I just went home a couple of weekends ago, so its okay :)

I hope all is well with everyone!

P.S. Kristi Cash White- I definitely researched that whole Google Street Views thing: And I saw your house...and it put a smile on my face (but it is weird that random people can see your house)

2007-10-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

So this kid----wow one of the funniest kids I have listen to in my life. This is the commercial that made him famous..

And this is his new commercial...

soooooooo adorable.

2007-10-08T20:19:00.001-07:00

This whole car thing helped me keeping growing up.
Over the past week I have had to deal with insurance people and places in Abilene to fix my car. I have had to work with the insurance company to set up a rental car, so I can go home this weekend. I do not like being the vulnerable one, but being a young college girl alone in a small town, I had to bite the bullet in order to get things taken care of.
As of tomorrow, I will be in a rental car and I will take my car to the body shop, who ordered the parts from Ft Worth today (Abilene does NOT have Land Rover parts).

This past week has been emotionally tough with the car crud, my first week back at work with a co worker who is NOT my biggest fan (but her last day is Monday...so yay), three tests, and the constant headaches that will NOT go away.

I have been strong for myself due to the lack of presence of others. It feels okay. I still like having others, but I know I cant always depend on that. My parents are amazing and have been supporting me, but not babying me because if I plan on moving away, I have to grow up.

In this past week I have found that there is a lot of things that I need to think about and re-analyze my life and what I value as important. Emotions generally bring this out in me and we all know I have had my share this past week.

So I took care of me this past week. And it was lonely and there were tears shed, but I did it...and I know it will just keep getting easier the more experienced I become (but lets hope it DOES NOT involve my car anymore...good grief.)

P.S. Watch the mom video below---HILARIOUS

It's this simple, folks

2007-10-06T21:27:00.001-07:00

2007-10-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have recently started observing at the closest thing Abilene has to a pure inner city school. In Texas, they are called Title 1 schools. I am not sure about elsewhere. My first day was Thursday and I was at Lee Elementary from 8-1. It was a very interesting experience for me. I was put in Mrs. Anderson's 2nd grade classroom. Not only was I an a title 1 elementary, a place where I had never been, but I was in an inclusion class. An inclusion class is where they try to mainstream kids with special needs. Not extreme needs, but more of the stuff like: autism, and extreme ADHD, etc. Jaggar is a precious boy in this class. A precious boy, who on the first day sent my mind spinning. He has a bad case of some kind of autism, and must me standing, walking around, or talking at all times. Then quiet Jacob was across the room and looked like he was only 5 years old. He is so sweet and all he wants to do is carry on a conversation with somebody.
There were kids all of colors, sizes, and abilities. I jumped right in and sat next to kids, helped them, and just got to know a little bit about their lives. A lot of these kids have emotional needs that need to be met while at school, and I tried my best for the five hours I was there, to give them a little squeeze on the shoulder and to talk to each individual one so that no one felt left out. It was amazing. I want to be a teacher more now than ever. And I still definitely want an inner city school.
I get to go back as much a I want and I am pretty positive I will every Thursday.

2007-10-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just wish people would STOP HITTING MY CAR. You know, but only SOMETIMES.

Something I just posted on my intern blog

2007-09-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

I sit here..with my school life, my school schedule, my school friends, my school apartment...and I miss it.

Sometimes I feel bad, because I don't miss it as often as I missed it last year. But when I do, it is a fierce force that comes over me. I mostly feel it creep in late at night when I can't get to sleep...

I looked at how I have changed since I have been in Abilene. I still have the same morals and I still have the same personality. The same things make me laugh and the same things make me cry. I have become a quiet person here. A person who is focused on what needs to be done to get where I want to go.I have fun with friends here, still...but, most of the time I feel like there is something more purposeful here...and I have started concentrating more on school during the weeks instead of going to parties or doing nothing. I guess, I am a person who is growing up and becoming an adult.

It amazes me how I miss the most simple things. I miss holding Trinity in my lap at every opportunity and I miss the worship at PUMP (Oh Gosh...how I miss it). I miss just going to Cheronn's house and not doing anything...just sitting on the couch and watching TV, I miss knowing she was right down the street...just in case---and knowing that she would have open arms. I miss the small escapes I took at the White's house...and how I miss all five of them. Even though I didn't in any way encourage it, I miss Sai's little taps on my back side...because it let me know that he felt comfortable around me. I miss the sight of a mountain off in the distance, behind the haze. And gosh, oh gosh...how I miss those waterfalls.

The things that I remember at all times are the lessons and other things I took away from PUMP. There were so many that I have learned over the past almost two years.
1. There are more and different people outside my bubble---and those are the ones that I need to reach out to the most.
2. Expect friendship from the unexpected. I got one of my two best friends that way :)
3. Someone is always watching me. Most of the time, I probably don't even know it, but they are...and little eyes are precious and take everything in.
4. There are some places that feel just like home. And PUMP will always be one of them.
5. People care...when you think they don't--they will probably surprise you.
6. The world is NOT about me. The world is about how we can help each other out.
7. I learned, that in fact, I am not too young to be viewed as a mentor. And even if it scares me to death---I could be a huge factor in some of those kids' lives..and I need to be a good one.
8. I think I have found my calling through PUMP. Inner city ministries and education is something I long for after graduation. Hopefully, in Portland...but if not, I will go where ever God leads me.
9. God loves me, Jesus died for me, and I can have hope in the resurrection!

SO even though I do not long for PUMP as much as I did when I left last year, I carry the lessons I learned and the friends I gained in my heart daily.

Thank you, PUMP...for your lasting legacy on my life. Hopefully, there will be more to come!

2007-09-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

So blogs are mis-leading and I am a day late.

Buuuutttt....

Happy Birthday Trinity Rose White.

I hope you know you are a very special girl. To me and to others. I remember last summer when I had to work SO hard to get you to talk to me. I was afraid that you would never come around. But I am really glad that you did and that we are friends now! This past summer was so fun getting to hang out with you and I would never trade it for the world! Your smiles and your laughs brightened all of my days this summer and I miss you a lot. It was amazing getting to watch you grow and I look forward to watching you grow a lot more over the next years.
I never thought I would be able to be an older mentor, but you are the one that God decided to bless me with to be an older friend to! I am so glad that I met you and that we can have so much fun together when we get to hang out. You, my dear, are one of the huge reasons that I want to move to Portland and am working so hard to do so!

I love you and I miss you a lot. I hope you had a great day yesterday and I wish I could have celebrated with you!

2007-09-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I will be a Friendze girl once again in a week or so.
The courier job just was not worth it with the price of gas to put in a "luxury" SUV.
I am actually looking forward to going back. They have moved buildings- and out of the building we shared last year with the online and main office. The manager that is current is the one I trained and she knows how hard and long I worked last year and is more than willing to accommodate me this year.
I will miss the short hours of the job I have now, but I will like making more jewelry and driving 6 miles to and from work.

2007-09-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

I was very upset on Friday, could you tell?
Let me clarify things....
1. No matter how much I want to come this summer, it just isnt possible. I have to take 3 classes that are not offered online or any other way but on campus. So I have to stay in the lovely HOT town (not city) of Abilene until July 3rd.
2. I will attempt to make a trip up there after that grueling first half of summer. If I have the money, I will come.
3. I talked to Kristi on Friday about all of this, and she said something that helped...It is just a minor setback for a long standing time in Portland. I hope this is true and we will see.
4. If my parents and I can collaborate and afford an apartment and I get in touch with a principal who will accept me at his or her school to student teach...I could possibly be in Portland to do that in January 2009. Judging by rents up there, this may be a long shot, but I am saving all the money I can right now in order to have the highest chance of that happening. I won't start contacting principals probably until the end of the summer, but we will see.

I miss it every day. But, I like my college life here too. I guess that is the other thing that makes this hard. No one really stays in the summer and I will probably be here by myself just schooling and working. It makes it hard to imagine it being fun, but it will get the job done.

2007-09-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I'm angry and super sad.
I just wish I could do what I want to do with my summers.
But I have to stay here until July 3rd for stupid summer school so I can graduate on time.
I am really really sad.

2007-09-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well friends. Today is the day. A major transition in my life.

I have become more favorable of the introverted side of the spectrum. I never thought I would see the day when this happened, but since I have been in Abilene...it HAS happened. I guess I never really gave myself a chance to become introverted...if I wasent conked out on pain meds from my various injuries last year...I was working or hanging out with my friends. This year, I live with two of my good friends and I generally just come in from class or a run from work, go into my room...listen to music, put in a movie, or just have quiet time. And I have come to the conclusion that I should have made this transition a long time ago. I see myself as being less stressed about school and more willing to give of myself when I am with others instead of just being there physically.

So if you are an introvert...HERE I COME!

2007-09-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pull an ole fake
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I wake
I face a day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get passed the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for me health
Yeah but it’s easier to please the world
Then it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

Well I know I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

"What I Cannot Change" -LeAnn Rimes

2007-09-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

I will be at WalMart right after my 8 o clock class gets out on Tuesday morning. Why, you may ask. Well, that would be when the newest Reba McEntire CD is coming out. I will not be there like some crazy at midnight, but that is just because I am pretty fond of sleep...
For as long as I can remember I have ADORED Reba McEntire. Her concerts are definitely the best ones out there and her voice is one of the purest ones I have ever heard. As a native Houstonian, I have had many opportunities to see her in concert...with the many costume changes, hardcore ballads, and that famous red dress, I could not idolize another singer as much.
So basically, I am really excited for the CD and even more excited to come home to see her in the rodeo, hopefully...if SHE makes it :)

Oh and what makes this story interesting....
Is that my dear Kami Anne is now working for Reba's manager. My jaw dropped to the floor when I received that little bit of information in a text on Thursday....

2007-09-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

So life is fun.
I am getting into the groove of my Abilene life, and that is definitely a great thing!
School is fun and eventhough I have been teaching and being around kids for a long time...its awesome to see all the other things I need to learn before I become a real LIVE teacher. Which, of course, I cannot wait for :)
Kristi, you will be proud because when we were talking about ways to praise our children, I definitely went on a tangent (not loud or mean, just matter-of-factly) that I believe we should praise the effort the student has made and not praise the product of their work, because then they will be upset when they don't do such a good job. My teacher thought it was brilliant...so good job, Kristi Cash White :)
I am getting the opprotunity to go home this weekend. I love Abilene and I am definitely not wanting to make this a normal occurance, but it is my Daddy's 54th birthday on Sunday and I want to be home to celebrate it with him. I think it will be a great surprise...since he doesn't know yet :) And I also believe that I will really really really enjoy quality time at one, if not more, high school football games :)

I have come to realize in the past week that I miss my Portland experience more than I thought. Not because of the people.....granted, ya'll are so amazing. But more so, because while at college, I really do not have any opprotunities to hang out with elementary age kids. Kids are a huge part of what makes me smile and I feel like I just havent been as energetic since I have been at school, because I don't really have anyone's energy to feed off of. I am really excited to start observing in my classes (I get to do it in 2!) so I can get into the classroom setting again and get to know some more kids.

Welp, that is all for now!

2007-09-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

...So this is where I live now. It is a pretty interesting place and we have had some pretty interesting experiences with it already. I was really excited to move into a new place and get to decorate a new room. I found pretty much the perfect comforter, which is plain brown on the other side, you know...in case I ever grow out of my pink stage :) I really like my bathroom and am REALLY glad I have my own this year!

I have never seen myself as a domestic girl (I know, surprising, right?) I have been ever so blessed to have a mom who knows how to clean, but since we had the financial means---decided to spend more time with us instead of cleaning the house. So because of that...we had cleaning ladies come to the house every other week and I never really had to clean at all. This summer I cleaned some, but I really buckled down on Saturday and decided since I had been here for two weeks (WOW time flies by) that I would give the bathroom a good scrubbin', do all my laundry, tidy the kitchen, and wash my sheets (I shower before getting in bed, so I am never dirty---so I can go twoish weeks). It was surprising to me that I actually chose to do this, but I figured if I don't start now....when will I?

I sat with Erica in chapel...on the floor today. She told me it is where all the good Christians sit :) I originally just went to sit with her because since we have been back at school we have seen eachother maybe twice for about a 5-10 min. period of time. We are going to continue chapel sitting together and start up some hang out time, too. I am really excited....I have missed that kid :) We talked about how it seems like FOREVER ago that we were interns, but that time here in Abilene seems to be going SUPER fast. Gotta love when my last two years of being a free loader and flyin' by.....YIKES!

Times are good in Abilene. Times will be better in Houston this weekend when I go home for my Daddy's birthday (shhhhh....he doesn't know. Its going to be a surprise)

Texas High School Football

2007-09-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

One of the top things I will miss about Texas.
This is a video of my high school's team last year. They made it to the state game, but lost.
This year will be different, this year will be better!

Go get'em Eagles!

And then....you just can't ignore this Texas high schooler's mad skills

I am Sarah...and I like Texas High School Football. I was born and bred and will always be a huge fan!

2007-09-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

I was blessed beyond belief to talk to one of my favorite children yesterday. I loved hearing about her first day of school and the excitement in her voice about her NEW school. "NO READING GROUPS!" Still not sure what is different about school reading groups and PSP reading groups, which she loved, but whatev.

More than the first day summary was the noises I heard in the background. I didn't really get close to the White family last summer. Most of that was my fault for being a hermit, but whatev. This summer, that family stole my heart and still have some of it 2400 miles away. Hearing Fi scream in the background, Kristi's astonishment that Trin had been on her uncle's roof and Connor being Connor was so priceless. And I wished, just for a second that I was in the house long enough to hug all 5 of them and let them know that they are so amazing to me.

White family, thanks for making my summer so awesome and for being a lasting example to this 20 year old person. I cannot wait to visit (deatils later, hopefully) so I can get another White fix, because I will need it.

Legacy

2007-09-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know if ya'll know about Camp Blue Haven, but it is a pretty big camp in the south, if you are reading this from the south...you know.

It has been brought to my attention that my great uncle is pretty much a legend around here. I was actually told that by a sophmore tonight during a GATA rush. You see, my uncle is Vance Crowe pretty much the lifetime director of this camp. When I see people wearing Blue Haven shirts, I always ask them if they know my uncle and then they proceed to flip out and tell me I am the luckiest person ever. Weird. Haha. The funny thing is these people love the stories that my uncles tells---that I have heard a ton of times and still get a kick out of. I definitely love that I am part of a family who has such a great, loved, and respected man leading us.

The Life That is Mine

2007-08-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

Well, like I said in my last post...life has been hectic since I got back to Abilene.

My apartment situation is interesting. I was suppose to be able to move in on August 15th. Not a big deal,I wouldnt even be in Texas then, but the plan was to stop by here on my way home so my mom and aunt could see my apartment. That didn't happen. I received a disheartening message around the 9thish that said we would not be able to move in until August 25th. School started on the 27th. So, I stayed at home and hung around until the 25th when we pulled out of Houston headed toward Abilene. We got to the apartments and there was CHAOS. Long story short---my parents were planning on sleeping in my apartment on Saturday, but I didnt have a mattress, so my apartment complext paid for our hotel room that night. Luckily, I now have a mattress and bed frame, but the rest is still no where to be found. No living room furniture, no kitchen table, and no bedroom stuff. My life is still packed away in my closet, because they requested us not to have stuff spread out so they can get furniture. Lo and behold---I dont have hot water now :'( But, I know eventually it will be nice and since it is fully furnished I will be glad to be the only person that had lived in that place with that furniture.

My classes are awesome. I have GREAT teachers. Im getting to the point that I just have education and bible classes. Its a beautiful thing! I get to do at least 10 hours of observation in a school this semester and I am really, really, really excited!

My car is still in Houston. Right now I am driving my old truck that I had in HS. It isnt my favorite thing in the world, but the wheels turn and the engine works, so really thats all I need.

I started my job yesterday. One of the best things is that my boss is a professor and elementary rep at ACU. She is also one of my good friends' aunts, so I think I am good to go now til the end of school on teaching advice :) Being a courier is fun, too. I'm glad that twice a week I have about a 140 miles drive (round trip) to think and just have me time. Oh, and I get to see the beautiful landscape of west Texas :)

My roommates are awesome and I am really glad that I am living with them. I really like being back here. I like the mass exodus to the gym at 11:00am, I like seeing old friends, I like hanging out just randomly (until hw starts). Its a great school and I am glad I am here.

This is all right now (well that I will share on the internet. Haha)
I hope to talk to ya'll soon....call me :) (the time difference is KILLIN me...i always want to call during PDX work times)

Oh and I have my address:
2702 N. Judge Ely
Apt 1113A
Abilene, Texas 79601

Mail is good. Haha. And I WILL return the favor :)

I have been tagged...

2007-08-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Tag...you're it!
I've been tagged...here's the rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (If you don’t have a blog, email me)

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

________

1. My neck is my most tickleish spot ever. If I am awake an laying down, I try to keep it covered with a blanket, or something.

2. I don't really talk on the phone. I really only enjoy doing that with about 5 people.

3. I have a lot of the details of my wedding planned, but I am in no hurry to get married.

4. I have a VERY small personal space bubble if we are not good friends (this includes brushing of hands, side hugs, or anything), but my bubble disappears completely if I like you and we are friends.

5. I have no urge to drive anything but a truck or SUV.

6. I prefer life in black and white.

7. Driving in downtown or populated places makes me really nervous and I will avoid it at all costs.

8. I really like sports. More than most. Especially football. Im weird like that..get over it.

I really have no clue who to tag, but I was tagged by dear Kristi Cash White so I did it :)

Life is good. I am reallyahppy to be back at school. I wish my apartment had furniture, but they lost 30 working days because of rain. SICK. So by the end of this week I will have more than just a bed. But my place is still nice and I am lovin it! I saw Erica today and it was really weird seeing her here and not in Portland, but a blessing to have her here at the same time!

Miss ya'll!

2007-08-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

Life is definitely different. I haven't decided what I think about life, except that I have not really figured it out yet. A few things have happened this week...

1. I chopped my hair off again. It looks a little something like this...

I thank Erica ever so much for the styling of the first picture. When I walked out of the salon with poofy hair looking nothing like what I had requested, I questioned short hair on me. Now that it looks more like what I want, it takes only about 10-15 min to blow dry, and I don't have to go to sleep with it wet---I'm not sure I am totally against it any more. A full ponytail is non-existent, but hey...who cares? Im pretty much thinking about leaving it like this at least for the duration of my stay in Texas...frizzy long hair is just NOT cute.

2. I have come to the realization that real life is less than two years away. Yes, my real life still includes the dream of moving to Portland and teaching at an inner city school. I have been looking at what it will take for me to get certified and all. Just before school starts...so I know and I dont have to be rushing to do anything when I graduate. I am trying to make as many tentative decisions before life gets hectic. Nothing is final, but a girl can dream, can't she? Good news---Oregon takes most state's certifications to where I will be able to teach for 6 months and take the Oregon tests during that time. So I dont have to hectically try to schedule tests other times. In less than two years, I will need to move into a place of my own. I love my parents, but I dont think after being on my own for three years that I will want to move back here. Literally, since last summer I have not spent a long time at once at home. Its been hard living here, because my parents love me so much that they just want to help me in any way. But I am use to making my own choices and doing my own thing and its hard to be under my parents' roof again. I don't think I can move back in.

3. I've been thinking of my weird need to feel validated. It's weird to me because I don't feel like I do a good job validating people, but that I need to feel like I am wanted and loved. I love being at home and hearing "I love you" all the time. I don't say that phrase to too many people, so when people say it to me...it is just one of my favorite things. But, I have also realized that I need to stop depending on others to feel like I am doing well or loved. It is nice, don't get me wrong, but I need to stop putting so much importance on it, if that makes sense.

4. My momma re-did my room while I was in Portland. I have always had a dream of having grey walls, black and white pictures, black and white furniture, a black or white bedspread, and little pink accents everywhere. Well, I got that when I got home. It was the first time my room has been redone since we moved here when I was 6. I am really excited. I really, really like it. It looks something like this...

5. I miss a lot of people A LOT right now. I have one of the greatest friends ever, who has been there for me on AIM pretty much every night this week. School will start and life will get busy and we won't talk as much, but it is amazing to have someone who takes as much time as her to make me feel like I matter.

6. Trinity Rose, I miss you sweet girl. A lot....a lot...a lot. I hope you are having fun with your last bit of summer! I love you, girl!

New and Improved 100

2007-08-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

I had a lot of time to think on the way home from Arizona. So here is more interesting stuff.

My Improved 100

My 100

1. I REALLY like hearing sopranos sing.
2. I have been the one of the tallest girls in my grade since about 2nd grade
3. I run when I am mad
4. I am in love with Portland, Oregon
5. I CANNOT sit normally in a car, unless I am driving.
6. I do not start listening to Christmas music until the week of.
7. Other than my immediate family, I only say "I love you" to less than 10 people.
8. I am not looking for a boyfriend.
9. I plan to move to Oregon in less than two years.
10. I want a cocker spaniel REALLY badly...
11. I think I am one of the few people that misses junior high
12. I have never eaten peanut butter.
13. I haven't seen my real nails in over three years.
14. Too many of my friends live in Portland
15.One of my best friends lives in Kansas and goes to school in Arkansas
16. The other one is in Portland and is the coolest adult EVER.
17.I really want to learn how to play the guitar
18. The Houston rodeo is something I look forward to every year.
19. I am probably over obsessed with Reba McEntire
20. I want to adopt a baby from Africa
21. People with strong accents are weird to me.
22. I adore waterfalls
23. Rain makes me smile
24. My favorite color is pink
25. I already have my wedding song and who is going to sing it picked out...
26. ...its "Feels Like Home" and Cheronn is singing it
27. I cannot stand people talking behind my back
28. ...I have stopped friendships because of it
29. I like long sleeve t-shirts
30. I am VERY proud of the fact that I don't have a Texas accent
32. I really want a Georgia accent
33. When I cry, I want to be chased
34. I do not understand why people think it is okay to mix black and brown.(yes YOU)
35. If I dont wear make-up around you...you are a good friend.
36. If I know more than one way to your house...you are a good friend
37. I can sing well, but rarely do solos in front of anyone.
38. I dont like wearing shoes
39. If I do wear shoes, heels are my favorite
40. Don't ask me to hang out a lot during football season, because I'll probably be watching a game.
41. I can only buy jeans at the Levi store, or they will be too short.
42. I generally like nerds. They have the best personalities.
43. Worship at PUMP is my favorite.
44. I always wear my Belinda Bracelet or Belinda necklace
45. I like hanging out with Cheronn more than anyone. Other than my parents, she is the only person who knows me completely
46. I tend to analyze all situations for the danger that might arise.
47. I want two kids and I have their names picked out
48. and they will dress preppy until they are old enough to say they want it otherwise
49. I do NOT like cats
50. I can drive a standard (manual)
51. I am really weird about sleeping in the same bed at people. I could easily say I would only go there with my mom and my two best friends.
52. I have trouble trusting anyone
53. My Daddy is the only man I trust completely
54. I miss PDX alot
55. I do NOT like dry, hot nature
56. I consider a lot of things awkward
57. I do not like to see a sink overflowing with dishes.
58. i love PSP, PUMP and the joys and stresses it all brings! (AMEN CASEY)
59. I want to go to Italy
60. I get frustrated easily with stupidity
61.I like hugging people I love
62. I do not like hugging/touching people that I am not very close to
63. I do not like feet
64. i love sushi
65. I often have deja vu from my dreams
66.I have never ridden in a taxi
67. I want to get my ears pierced, but an deathly afraid of needles
68. I go to sleep with my hair wet
69.People always say I smell good.
70. I like just hanging out with people and not really doing anything.
71. I want someone to write a song about me.
72. Most of the time I feel I wasted a lot of good time playing volleyball
73. I do not like the word, "retarded"
74. I like looking at houses
75. ...which is why HGTV is my favorite TV channel
76. I'm intimidated by the fact that my dream after college will not come true
77. I always have my toenails painted
78. I don't really eat that many sweets
79. I am pretty much always cold.
80. I can't sleep well without the blanket Karla made me for graduation
81. Being alone scares me.
82. I want to move into a house built in the 50's or 60's.
83. My parents have always had to wake me up on Christmas morning
84. I do not like driving on busy streets
85. I have always wanted to move next to my best friend when I grow up so that our kids can have permanent playdates and we can too :)
86. When I get tired, I mispronounce EVERYTHING
87. When I see a car, I think of the person in my life that drives it.
88. I think chicken is the best food ever.
89. I like sitting in silence with friends
90. I think silence with anyone else is awkward
91. do not like it when people beat box on their own or add it to an already existing song.
92. I hardly ever write in pencils
93. I do not like the song, "It is Well With My Soul"
94. I do not like trying on clothes in stores
95. My favorite noise is the sound of my family and friends laughing.
96. One of the most important people in my life is a 6 year old little girl that I just had to leave in Portland.
97.I like looking at wedding dresses
98.I didnt have anyone I considered a best friend until my senior year of high school.
99. I eat around the peppers and tomatoes in queso.
100. I dont really like talking on the phone, except to probably about 5 people.

P.S. I am home. Good deal

2007-08-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to be in Texas today, but I am still in Page, Arizona.
For those of you who have not heard, my car broke down Thursday on the way out of the Grand Canyon. It could have been prevented, but wasent.
My Daddy is headed here with a trailer so we can bring it back to Houston, because it would have taken forever for them to get a Land Rover part to this dinky little town.

So its been a pleasant past couple of days. I definitely cannot wait to get home, especially now. I it had been a tough car ride because it was just kinda slow realization that I was leaving.

Phone conversations have made my last few days. Long conversations with Cheronn and Trinity's voice made my days. Its amazing how the little things make me smile right now!

I hope everything is going well with everyone! I miss ya'll!

Portland is Leaving...

2007-08-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I am leaving Portland.
It's really rough leaving a place where I feel I belong.
Yesterday was filled with laughter and many tears.
I do not like holding crying children, but it makes me feel good that one child loves me enough to cry. And I do not like crying when holding a crying child, but that happened too.
I found that God brought me here again for reasons that I can see right now and some that I cannot. I cannot wait to see what happens to some of the campers that I had this summer and to see how they choose to live their lives.
But my heart longs to stay here with PUMP, Trin, Cheronn, and all the people that have wrapped their arms around me this summer.

I will miss you!

2007-07-24T23:26:00.001-07:00

So I guess I did not write the link to my internship blog.

Here it is...

Blog

2007-06-17T22:47:00.001-07:00

So I dont foresee myself writing on this blog much this summer.

Check out my summer internship one

Foregiveness

2007-06-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

....has become key in my life.

Today I forgave someone that I have been waiting a long time to forgive. And then, life seemed right.

I love sitting down to dinner with people that I havent seen in a long time. And this was no exception.

I adore God for making me a creature that is able to feel hurt, but is able to feel the grace and joy of what happens when I forgive.

I'm leaving at 5:30 in the morning. And I should be rolling to ya'lls neck of the wodds Thursday evening.

...that is all

2007-05-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

where has THIS blogger gone?

Haha, life has been hectic.

All I know is I have been running around Houston looking for a good deal on a bumper to replace my cracked one, working about 20ish hours a week, and trying to unpack and repack. INSANITY.

But I am looking forward to being in PDX in a week and a half and being able to breathe in one spot for more than a month, again. And actually enjoying "working".

Not much else to say, I need to fight the rain to get to my friends graduation party. It has been raining so much recently which is making me lose my marbles. I havent been able to swim yet. Good grief.

Well, unfortunently, because of my time crunch....thats all I got.

Happy Birthday

2007-05-22T19:48:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday Ms. Cheronn Foster.

You are one of the greatest friends a girl could ask for and I hope you have a blast tomorrow (yeah, im a little early).

HHHHAAAAPPPPPYYYYY BBBBIIIIRRRRTTTTTHHHHHDDDDDDAAAAAYYYYY

love you mucho!

Home Again, home again

2007-05-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been home since Saturday afternoon, actually.

I have adored every second of being here. Saturday night was filled with Mother's Day dinner and movie (Georgia Rule---I don't recommend it) with my Mom's sister and Mother. Sunday with my Momma, Daddy, and Daddy's Mom. And Sunday night with Momma, Daddy, brother, sister in law, and her parents. There wasent much of a slow down for those first 48 hours.

Sadly, I came down with a flu the morning after I got home. It isnt fun, but I would much rather get it out of the way now instead of later in the summer. I am still clinging to the Kleenex and the Advil, but no fever and not so tired anymore. I am going back to work tomorrow. The place that I worked at when I was a senior. I am just doing it so I wont get so bored, and Im not working enough hours to make me sick of it, but enough to make it worth wild. My boss is really excited for me to get back and show those girls how we use to do it.

Im excited for these next three weeks. Ill get to hang out with my family and my friends from High School and just relax before I get into my real work for the summer :)

Happy belated Mother's Day to all you Mom's out there

Have you ever

2007-05-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

...wanted to go home so bad that it hurts?

...wanted to talk to somebody, but feel like they dont want to talk to you?

...been surprised by the people you least expect it from?

...thought you knew someone and then actually DONT

...been so blessed by one year that it surpasses all the others by SO much

...been so happy for school to be over, but wanted to stay at the same time?

...gotten a car, and have it hit within the first 3 months you had it?

...realized that your parents gave you the best life in the world?!?!

Almost Done...

2007-05-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

Its surprising to be, but I only have 7 days left in Abilene. When I leave early next Saturday morning, I will be a junior and I will be WAY excited to have only two years of college left.

This year has gone by fast. It has been filled with the biggest spectrum of feelings and I have learned more lessons this year than I think I have in any other years of my life.

Some relationships have gotten stronger and some have been lost completely. I found out who those people I can trust with anything are. I've grown in the fact that I can now see the differences in relationships. I dont give everything in every relationship...some are just not meant for that. But I love the ones that are and I respect the ones that aren't.

I get to go to Dallas this weekend and spend times with my girls from ACU at Six Flags and around Dallas on Saturday. Im really excited, since two of them are graduating and leaving Abilene :(

But, i know what most people who read this are anticipating. I will be in Portland in about 34ish days. Im pretty excited.

Thats all...off to sing at the fountain with GATA and then work...surprise :)

2007-04-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you, PSP kids for making us authentic interns...forever

Kierbow is now, well, Woods? We'll have to see how that name flows, Im sure it will be great. The wedding was fun and it was definitely good to see Amy and Em and the Maxwells. The drive was forever, but not as forever as expected :)

(there are more pics on my flickr

2007-04-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

There are really no words to express what happened in Virginia yesterday. Unfortunently, it was brought to my attention by a dear friend when I let my fingers type harsh words faster than my brain thought about them. I cannot express the grief I feel for those families and the friends of those who died. And especially, for the kids who are still there probably still living in fear for these last few weeks of school.

What do you say in a moment like this? There is nothing. Many voices are whispering, "how could God let this happen?" And Im at a Christian school, I can only imagine what is being said elsewhere.

God has reasons. Its hard to see and it is hard to watch stuff like this. We wish is didnt happen. So many people are wishing it didnt happen.

I just cant wait to go to chapel and sit there and pray for those kids and the families and friends.

Pray. Its what we can do and its what we should do.

Disappointing Routine

2007-04-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, in my bathroom at 8:30 in the morning, just as I do every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I tend to give myself way to much time to get ready, when I really could sleep for 15 more minutes.

My life has just become a big routine. It isnt such a horrible thing. But last night as I laid there trying to sleep, I realized I just do the same thing every day.

Wake up, class, call momma in between classes, class, work, home to change, off to Stephanie and Anna's house to hang out and do homework, and then sometimes I make it home in time to talk to Cheronn on AIM, and finally sleep, again. EVERY day. The same thing.

Now, routine is needed for some, granted. And mostly I like my routine. But, I just realized three things are wrong with my routine.

1. I have no time set aside in my daily life set aside for God. Well, besides the jamming out in my car to Christian music on the way and on the way home from work. I really should work on that. I always struggle with God time during school. Stuff gets to busy and I still know He is there, but setting a specific time aside seems to have proved to be more difficult here than at A&M then it is here. I have more friends...and instant gratification has always been a top thing for me and being able to sit and talk and see my friends achieves that gratification. But, really, I HAVE GOT to work on that.

2. I barely even talk to Julya anymore. It isnt just me, we both just seem to be too busy to sit down and take 10 minutes to have a phone conversation. It went to every day conversations this summer and before to MAYBE talking once a month. And it has brought tension through out this year. Both of us changing so much, and I think in order to make this friendship work out in the long run, I need to make more of an effort.

3. I have found my group of friends. I like them a lot and they are there for me, but maybe I should venture out and find some new ones, too. I am living with two of my closest friends here, next year. I can't wait, but I fear this might make the situation a little more serious, so I must venture now or probably forever hold my peace.

I love the hanging out that that AIM conversation in my schedule. Those are definitely the two things that I do NOT want to change forever, if I can help it :)
Work could be changed, this full time gig just isnt making me a nice person. I only have 20 days left, though. PRAISE THE LORD! I just want a job doing something with kids or just a change of pace. Running a store is not a job for a 20 year old full time college student. Those people need to learn a lesson.

Okay, well time for class.

Homesick

2007-04-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

I miss

My Momma
My Daddy
My Brother
My Sister
My Bed
My momma's cooking
My momma's willingness to do my laundry
My living room
My Nail place
Target being right down the street

I dont know what the heck is wrong with me
I am soooooo homesick. It is the weirdest thing. I mean, I GUESS it is homesickness. I just am oh so ready to go home.
The weird thing is, nothing really is going bad for me. I just miss my family a whole bunch.
Luckily, I have great friends here who keep my occupied for most of the nights when after school and work, so Im not really thinking about it all too much. And I have a super great friend about 2400 miles away that will listen to my ranting and sad day. But I still cant wait to go home. Only 28 days. No joke. So ready.

I get to go to Amy Kierbow's wedding and Dallas with my girls in between now and home, though. So that is coool :)

Working 44 hour weeks and finals definitely, ARE NOT. But oh well.

Then first day of internship is in like 57 days (haha, thanks for insisting on the countdown Kristis. Its awesome to check on it)

K off to bible. fun fun.

2007-04-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Its April

And its snowing

In Abilene, TEXAS

And that makes a certain 20 year old who's name starts with a S and ends with an arah VERY VERY VERY nervous.

We shut down the store. And I almost cried on my drive back to my dorm (all 3 miles of it).

But now Im in my room and don't think I will leave, for a while.

Oh, how I wish snow and ice could be fun.

2007-04-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

Four weeks before finals. It is definitely crunch time...YIKES

I had to take a four hour test today for teaching in Texas. Will prove to be useful, huh? Good grief, I had to have it to take education classes. And Ill have to take another one to get certified in whatever state I end up in (we all know where I HOPE to end up.)

I got a kick bootie Eater package from parents (mostly my momma, haha). Got a new DVD, candy and 20 bucks to Target...gotta love it :) And I got my payment for making my momma's good friend's jewelry. A shirt from the store I long to be a regular (White HOuse Black Market) and a $50 Visa Gift Card. GOOD GRIEF!

Totally owned my political science test this morning.

36 Days until I get to go home
65 days until my internship starts :)

Im staying here next year with two of my closest friends here---Stephanie and Sarah Elizabeth. WAY excited for next August :)

I think thats it. Greys is a re-run and that makes me sad. I need a little McDreamy.

2007-04-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

So I saw "Reign Over Me" last night. It was a success. DEFINITELY.

But, it made me realize a few things about myself...

1. I am definitely a city girl. Watching Adam Sandler ride around NYC on his little motorized scooter tugged at my heart. Weird, I know. But with only two years left of college, real life knocks on the door of my brain daily. I know WHAT I'm going to be and I have a vague dream of WHERE I want to be. And I will work my hardest to obtain that dream location, but if it fails. I MUST end up in or near a big city. This country life in Abilene just isn't doing it for me. I long for the bright lights at midnight. For the noise of traffic. And for too many things to do in my lifetime. I want it, and I want it bad.

2. Sometimes forgetting things may not be the best thing. I mean, forgetting on purpose. Forgetting because it hurts too much to remember. There are a couple of women in my life that know all of it these days. And one is my mom :) I give you ONE guess to who the other one is. Times change, crap happens, and I learn from it. It does hurt to remember, but its good to remember the times that use to be.

Thats all. Really not an amazing blog, but I definitely recommend the movie. It is awesome.

Thank you, Anna Beth Mason

2007-03-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Its amazing when you have a friend in the same town that knows EXACTLY how you feel about life. And is going through them at the same time. With some of the same people. And to me, it is even more awesome that I have a friend in Abilene like that who loves putting her feelings into music. Its one of my favorite feelings in the world. Sitting in Anna's car and having her turn a song and say, "It's our lives, fool. It's our lives...."

"When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

The road less traveled.

2007-03-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes taking the road less traveled makes you realize all you have been missing. This year, I have taken my road less traveled. And it has been AH-mazing trip for me. I had gained friends and new experiences I could have never imagined. It is definitely a green road with many flowers. Im closer to my parents emotionally, even though I am 5 more hours away from them than I was last year.

Oh and I got the awesome message yesterday while I was at the dentist. It went a little something like this....

"Sarah, my love, this is Kami Coy....and I might kinda be in your town right now."

And the night followed with coffee and looonnnggggg conversations with my girl, Kams.

What I learned this week...

2007-03-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

1. BINGO is definitely NOT just for old people.
2. I should probably be on Prozac or something when I am competitive...
3. Late night AIMS are just as wonderful when I'm at home as when I'm at school.
4. Grey's Anatomy is getting INCREDIBLY insane
5. Given the above, I still can't stop watching.
6. For some reason---I have a weird liking for the "Be a new Pussycat Doll" show.
7. Harwin is the best best best place in Houston (I got a HUGE, rolling, hard suitcase for 30 bucks)
8. If you look hard enough you can find a "back room" everywhere (eventhough I didnt buy anything)
9. Feb and March in Houston is the Rodeo.
10. Family is the most important thing in my life.
11. Wal Mart runs before going back to school are PRICELESS (well, for me...not the parents)
12. I have a new sister...
13. Pictures are definitely worth a thousand words, if not more.
14. I definitely miss my family when Im not home.
15. Pink CAN and HAS been overused
16. I never want to borrow money from my parents when I graduate (even though they would give it to me...)
17. I'm really glad Target is on the other side of Abilene from me.
18. Life is less stressful and more fun without a job.
19. I only have 11ish weeks til Portland
20. God teaches me things through the hardest and weirdest situations
21. There is no place to sleep like my 20 year old mattress, and I don't want a new one.
22. I miss my Poppa more than I thought I do.
23. Its HOT and HUMID in Houston.
24. I only have 8 weeks of school left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wedding

2007-03-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

...Cute

...Mmmmmm, Cake

...Baby Boy and Baby Girl

...My Favorite picture of my family

...Sisters

My brother got married this weekend.
Weird. But good.

Im just putting a few pictures here. There are more on my myspace and Facebook. Check em' out :)

1987 was a good year...

2007-03-04T11:49:00.001-08:00

A Class about the Bible?

2007-03-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, um... I guess the biggest change from A&M to ACU would be sitting in a Bible class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I'm pretty sure I have bite marks on my tongue...just from those 50 min a day.

I think I have a different view on stuff than 90% of this college. And the awkwardness I anticipate keeps me from asking questions in that class.

Although I feel awkward in class, I am glad that I'm thankful for my different views.
And I thank my parents for allowing me to have them. And not forcing their views on me, something that I believe many of my fellow students have taken on.

2007-03-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

I heard the words today, "Our cries aren't heard. By anyone."

I wanted to take that girl in my arms and tell her that I am living proof that cries are definitely heard. It may take time and they may not be answered the way you want them to be, but they are definitely answered.

...just wait. It will come. It always does.

2007-02-23T22:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the feeling that you know someone is becoming part of your past?

I have it right now. My life is the best it has ever been. I know I have family and friends that love me. I am having the best year at school since ever, really. I'm becoming an adult; age and maturity wise.

So why does it still hurt knowing that I'm losing someone. Even if some would say I am the one pushing away? Maybe I'm not ready emotionally for this person to be part of my past. But still, in my mind...I cant help but think it would be the best thing for me after it is done. I don't even know if love will be there when its all over. I guess only time will tell.

Im 20 years old. Officially. I thank all of ya'll who sent cards and emails. And i got a pretty nifty package in my mailbox today from my bestest "adult" friend. Oh, and that little maroon thing :) Gotta love the parentals present of a Land Rover :)

This was the best birthday in a long time. I hung out with my friends here and the friends I am far away from made EVERY effort to make me feel love from miles and miles away. To start the day of talking to Cheronn on the internet and Julya on the phone. I have a new car, I have an income, I am getting to see TONS of my family in two weeks, Im going back to where I want to be this summer, and I feel like my life is going exactly the way I want it to.

Thank you God. For the first sentence of this blog, for my AH-mazing friends, and for the gift of yet another year.

2007-02-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Loving People

2007-02-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

I love people.

I love my family...
They are the best. So much better than I deserved. In my mind, I cant even picture a better group of people to share blood with. They put me before anything or anybody. Ive had rough times with them and we have had tears and fights, but now that everything is different, I realize how stupid the fights are and how much I love them.

I love my BEST friends...
There are a couple of friends that mean more to me than others. Yes, I show favorites. I know you are surprised :) What makes these people special? The truth that I hold with them. I have never held back with my best friends, they are my safe place. I go to them with tears, laughs, problems, and praises. I trust them to tell me what they think, but not force their beliefs onto my life. I know whatever choices I make, they will be behind me with love and open arms.

I love my friends...
My friends that are there to hang out and make me laugh all the time. Granted, they are there for tears and laughs. I am thankful that God put me in such a great situation with friends in club and school at ACU.

I love the little old ladies...
That come into my store and have no clue what they are talking about. They dont know what they want, heck...they may not even remember their own age. But they are the sweetest people of Abilene. Waltzing in with their chunky turquoise and their bright pink cheeks. They are my favorite customers.

I love those who don't love me...
Those who don't even know me, those who have judged me, and those who haven't even given me a chance. I love them in their weakness. I pray for their willingness to know people before they cluster them into a group. I will wait.

I love those who betrayed me...
Those who use to love me, or say they did. Those who made me cry, made me weak, and made me doubt who I am as a person. I will not be someone else's life and I will not let others run my life by changing me to please them. I will not allow the fact that I was wronged, change the fact that there once was a reason they were important to me.

I love those who say simple "hi's" now and then...
Because that puts a smile on my face for at least a minute. Someone who takes just a second out of their day to make eye contact and let you know that you are an important person.

I love kids...
One of the fews things that can definitely put a smile on my face in any situation. Especially my kids from PSP that tried me and praised me all in the same summer. The smiles, the hugs, and the love that kids give you are definitely a blessing.

I just read a few things in several different places today and it made me realize that everybody in your life needs love. Some of the things I read made me think that I didnt share love enough. And even through the hurt I read, I knew that some people know how much I love them, but it can't heal the hurt they are feeling. Some people don't want my love, but I know it is a commandment from God, and they will get it anyway :)

Happenin Weekend!!!!

2007-02-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

Sing Song
Well, it was fun. Definitely learned the lesson about politics. If you are a small club, you will not win. No matter how good you are. There will always be more returning alumni judges from other clubs and more audience votes for other clubs. It was just hard, because people kept telling us how good we were and how they didnt expect such a large sound from 38 girls. I was heartbroken at first. Now, I understand that it is just something Ill have to get use to in the adult world.

Ummm then this happened....

Thats right, friends. im the new owner of a 2000 Land Rover. That insurance money kicked it hard core :) Thank you AAA Insurance :) And my parents kicked in too :)
LOOOOVVVEEEE it!!!! This has always been my dream car. Its maroon, too....GIG'EM AGGIES! Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Thats all :)

2007-02-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

I got a Valentine from this little girl today...

And it made my day. It was already a long day when I went to check my mail at 10 am, but I definitely had a huge smile on my face after it.

I love you, Trinity Rose :)

Crazy times

2007-02-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

"To be overwhelmed is to underestimate God" ~ Tquan Moore

Wow do those words hit the heart right now.
Sing Song weekend is upon me, folks.

Last night we had a double run through that seemed to last FOREVER. But as I got on stage, did my Sing Song face, and "danced" (well, as much as we are allowed)...I had so much fun. Unfortunately, I am losing my voice, so I lip synced the second round last night and am abstaining from talking all day today. Hopefully Ill be good to go Friday and Saturday. Tonight we have another run through. Luckily, it is only one time through, though. I think there may actually be a bigger crowd tonight, though. Eventhough it isnt an official show time.

My parents are coming, Ill see them after the afternoon show on Saturday and they will leave Monday morning. They are going to the Saturday night show. And that means we can spend all Sunday together :) WAY excited. We are going to celebrate my birthday, too. Since it is next Friday and I wont be able to go home.

Still working. And as of Saturday, I will be the ONLY employee at Friendze. Our new manager lasted all of a whopping 10 days. And my coworker and friend, Jessica got a new job at Pepsi Co. and she gets to sit behind a desk and not have to deal with people all day, so I dont blame her. I will just start working about 30 hours a week, again. Maybe more, if they call me in on Tuesday and Thursday. We'll see.

Anywho----I guess thats it. Just a little update.

2007-02-11T20:49:00.001-08:00

This video touched me so much that I cried.
It is so true and especially in my life right now.

You

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I really hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

2007-02-07T09:30:00.000-08:00

Where are you now? I mean, I know where you are, but is it everything you taught us as we sat in the yellow plastic chairs around the table in Sunday school? Are you sitting on clouds looking after everyone you loved? That's a huge job, Belinda....you loved a lot of people. But, I know you are watching us all...huge jobs never intimidated you. You are missed down here more than you ever could imagine. Your words of wisdom, your smile, and your laugh...I want them back.

Three years have flown by so fast without you. The pink bracelet I wear on my right wrist gives me a daily reminder of who you urged me to become. God puts you in my thoughts daily, and I am glad he does---the last thing I would want to do is to forget you. The thoughts and prayers you surrounded me with three years ago acted like a plastic bubble for my life. I felt safe and I knew three times a week I could count on your arms wrapped around me, whether the reason be good or bad.

I try not to think about how my life would be different if you were still here. I like to think I would be the same person, but in my heart, I know I could be a better person. Ive tried to hold tight to the teachings you taught, but sometimes emotions get the better and I forget. I know some of the heartbreaks would have been easier, my experience at A&M would have been more enlightened, and there would have been a few more laughs.

Did you know that some said I went off the deep end when you died? I like to think that I just put my everything into things that didnt make me remember how much I missed you. I let volleyball take over my life for that year. I let pretty much everything take over my life that year. It hurt too much to remember, but I didnt want to forget, either.

Cancer isnt fair. Cross Canadian Ragweed puts it as, "if only love could be the cure for cancer." If that was true, you would still be here, of that I am sure.

I imagine right now you sitting at one of Lorn's baseball games cheering loud as you sit next to all of your friends. They miss you. I miss you. The world misses you, Belinda.

I love you.

Belinda Smith 07.17.04

The Babbling Intern

2007-02-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my "meeting" with a potential summer intern for PUMP.
I was nervous when I went in. I guess its because I felt like Erica would be a really good intern. Let me explain...Erica and I were in English last semester and talk every wso often this semester, too. Kristi emailed me and told me that she was interested in interning. So Erica and I set up a meeting...that took place today.
With the changes that are happening this summer, I wasent really sure what to tell her, because I didnt want to tell her something that would change. After a talk with Cheronn and an email from Kristi I realized just what I wanted to tell Erica. It went a little something like this...

PSP is amazing. The kids will love you like you have never been loved before. Seeing changes in them from the beginning of the summer to the end of the summer is astonishing. Eventhough we woke up at the crack of dawn to be at work, I never slept through my alarm or even hit the snooze button, because I always looked forward to a new day. Things arent always perfect. Things happen, kids frustrate you...but at the end of the day, and especially at the end of the summer...the difference you know you made makes even those hard days worth it.
Portland is the best city I have ever been in. I little different...I was definitely shocked when I got there. There is so much to do, that even with two days off a week you wont be able to do it all. Seattle is 2 hours away, as is the coast. But, just in Portland, there is so much to keep you busy for the whole summer. The food is great, the fun is great, and the weather is ah-mazing.
Lastly, I explained to her what the PUMP family meant to me. I told her how supported I felt through the whole summer. I also told her what a good support it was, because a chunk of the members actually were interns and know what we are going through the whole summer. I told her about Trinity :) and how much the little ones love on us and adore us. I told her especially how much I matured this summer, through the little ones and through the friendships I had with the "older" members, too. And naturally, I told her that my closest adult friend was made this summer, one that I talk to on almost a daily basis, one that knows everything about my life, one that cares for me and loves me more than I have felt in a really really long time.

...And, my dear friends. Erica is going to finish her application this week and send it in. [sign of relief from me].

I know that I didnt make this happen. This is to you, members of PUMP, helplers of PSP, kids of PSP and PUMP, and most importantly--God. You have all recruited yet another intern.

...thank you all for being you. I cannot wait for this summer. Can anyone speed time?

LUCKY GIRL!!!

2007-02-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Its so amazing how blessed I am.
I sometimes fail to look at it that way, because yes, recently there have been HORRIBLE things that seem to happen to me.

But today, I set aside time to think about all God has blessed me with. With the stress of Sing Song (being in a room with 40 girls hass NEVER been my idea of fun, but its working out), work, and still hurting from my accident, it is VERY easy to focus on the rough and stressful.

So in order to keep my perspectives correct, I HAD to set time aside to realize my blessings.

Funny story, the car my Daddy brought me to use temporarily til I get a new one...is broken. No clue whats wrong with it, but when I shift down to turn corners, or park, the engine tends to turn off and I lose all power steering in the middle of the turn. GREAT! But as I was restarting it today, I realized...I can restart it. Im not walking in the snow. And I have a car---something that some people dont have. Also, my "adoptive grandfather" (AKA my Daddys old boss and my junior high principal) lives about 20 minutes from here and has been calling mechanics and dealing with the whole part of broken cars that I dislike. Amazing to have someone close enough to do the things they know I strongly dislike.

I absolutely LOVE school. I like my classes, I have the greatest friends, and this semester seems to be hectic, but do-able. I have great professors, fun classes, and fun down time!

I have something to look forward to this summer. I cant wait to go back to PUMP. Amazing people, amazing city, amazing work done by God.

Phone calls with one of my favorite people :) I get bored, I call Cheronn. Haha, and we end up laughing and having serious conversations all in the same hour. Something that is AH-mazing to be able to do in a friendship.

My parents are coming in 15 days. I CANNOT wait. I miss them a lot. Especially since all of the wreck and sickness...its hard to be away from home.

Ill officially be an adult in 21 days. 20 years old on the 23rd!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!!

Thats it, Grey's Anatomy is about to come on (ANOTHER blessing :)

Random Random thoughts

2007-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Homework is done, another three pages of my summer scrapbook are done, and a nap was had this afternoon :)
So now I get the pure pleasure of knowing Im done with everything and can just relax. Talking to one of my favorites on AIM :) and listening to some music.

Today, I realized that my classes are true blessings to me. I get to take a music class, something that is PERFECT for me. I love music, I cant remember a time when I didnt like music. Whether it be Reba McEntire, Kadesh Ampitheater worships, my Daddy's whistles, my choir classes from junior high and high school, or sitting next to Karla during worship...I have always adored music. Music class is what I look forward to on Tuesday/Thursday. My English teacher is really into our spiritual lives. She even passes around a prayer journal and stuff. HUGE difference from A&M

Talking about A&M...University of Texas is suing Texas A&M University for the slogan "Saw'em Off". I am definitely investing in a shirt to protest the stupidity.

Also, this video is AH-mazing. Definitely my song for my life.

ACU In Class Musical

2007-01-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

This is a musical that kids in Robert Oglesby's class one day last Spring.

HILARIOUS

Freaking Sweet

2007-01-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am laying in my bed in my dorm room. Ive been here since 2. I was suppose to work until 6.
"Why am I laying here?" you may ask.
Well, friends and family. I now have a stomach virus.
At work today I got weak in the knees, got clammy, starting sweating, had buzzing in my ears and black out/fainted for a min or so. And tried to sleep it off in the office so I could be there to help my boss with any questions when she needed me. I couldnt stop running to the bathroom and relieveing myself of all foods I have eaten in the past day. No fun, makes the ribs sore, but oh well

I ended up coming home and still feel really weak and iffy.

I just commented back to Kristi on her comment and thought of something.
Being sick today and having a rough day means that tomorrow will just be that much better, right? Just gotta get through the night and then hopefully tomorrow Ill be good to go :)

Fractured ribs and a stomach virus. I am one lucky girl :)