Has anyone ever listened to that song, "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve? Good song, you should jam out to it. I do...I am right now as I write this. Anywho....

Church was definitely a bitter sweet thing for me this morning. Weird, stuff that I thought I was over---definitely NOT.

I sat in my pew. In my spot. Second section from the left, about twelve rows back, in between Susan and my Daddy. Nothing was different today, except for something inside me. For me, communion started being a difficult time to get through when the Bentley's first moved. But, when Karla and Kerry left it just got to the point where I would break down emotionally every time. The first couple of weeks I had to get up and leave, something that just isnt done in my family. Did I not trust God? Was I mad at Him? Or was I just so infatuated with the physical aspect of MY communion with God? I think it was more at first knowing that somethiing that was going on in my life was causing the people closest to be sadness and I just didnt know what to say. I wanted to thank God for His Son, but I felt that I needed to lay everything on the line for Him as well. I havent been in tears during communion for weeks now. Why did it happen today? I have no explanation. Maybe, because the praise team sang during communion and inside I was longing to hear the beautiful soprano that gives me chills every time I hear her :) Maybe it was because since I didn't hear her, I was waiting for her hand to be on my back as I prayed. I cannot say what it was, but I broke down today. They tears came more than they have in months. I couldn't control them, I couldnt stop them. I wanted to----really.

As I insisted on praying through the tears, I begged God to give me closure on something that has been gone for so long. I don't want to long so hard to have something that I know is gone. I do not want to hold onto something that God took away from me physically. As I prayed, I think I got an answer. Karla was there. She has been there for 11 years. But, I think I started putting too much into my physical relationship with Karla. She was someone who was there when I needed her. She was there to pray with me. She was in front of my face. The longer I am physically away from Karla, the stronger I feel my faith becoming. I have to trust in God that He will do with our friendship what He has planned. I cannot trust in myself. I cannot provide God's plan. That is something I must have faith in. His will is being done, evevn if I cannot see it right now.

Maybe Karla moved away because God saw me at PUMP this summer. If she wasent in Oregon, I would not have gone to PUMP and would not be making plans to help those little kids who showed me so much love in the short time I was there.

I broke down in church this morning...just so God could build me back up.

I don't know you - but came across your blog somehow. I read about Karla leaving... and yes, in my own personal experience, sometimes God does move people away from us so we can stand on our own faith and GROW. So we can start asking What would Jesus do? or What would God want me to do? rather than what would "Karla" do or in my case "Linda". God is so good and so big... When we give our life to Him, when we are called according to His purpose, He puts his plans into action. Growing pains hurt, but growth is necessary. I am thankful that God found me ready to grow and gave me the opportunities to do so. Take care!

Diane
Rom. 8:28