Friday night.
11 o clock at night.
New education building.
Parking lot lights barely shining trhough the windows.
Me on the tile floor looking up at one of the most beautiful women of my life.
The last place I had to turn.

So, a lot has been going on in my life. Most of it is probably magnified in my eyes by stress and lots and lots of pain medication. But still, to me, it seems like a lot.
I didnt want to talk WITH anybody. I could have...parents, Cheronn....but I wanted ME time. So I turned to the place I always could, Belinda. She was always a listener and whenever I think about it, I know deep in my heart what she would say. But the best part is, I know HOW she would say it.

As I sat there head in my hands tears flowing...I realized...one of Belinda's most emphasized teachings to me. Faith. It definitely reminded me of my favorite Michael Card song...


"To hear with my heart,
To see with my soul,
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold,
To trust in a way that I cannot see,
That's what faith must be."

As I looked into the wonderful blue eyes, that comforted me so many times before, I knew what had to be done. And it has always been one of the hardest things for me do to...put my trust in someone that I cannot see, and in that....comes growing up as a person of my own.

Two hours after I sat down, I stood up with a new plan for my life.

I have to become me. When I become me in Christ, things will fall in place. I miss things that I dont have with me in Abilene, and I strongly believe the reason I am here is so I can learn to stand on my own. It will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. From the outside, many would see me wanting to get away from home, grow as myelf without my parents, but truthfully, I have been like a small child clinging for dear life to my mommy and daddy's pant legs. Even after Friday, my heart hurts to know what has to be done, but at 20....seriously, it was coming.

So things have been hard. I miss Portland more than I can express. I felt loved there and it was amazing for me because those people had to obligation to love me. They had only known me for a short period of time, and could have written me off. But many of them loved and cared for me. And some of them invested so much time and love into me (and still are) that I have no other yearning this summer than to go back, and hopefully bless some of the kids of PSP and PUMP the way that I was blessed. My heart longs for that next summer. But, it has been suggested to me and I agree, that maybe I should file PUMP away for a little while. I promise, it will not stop my longing to come next summer, and I will never forget this summer. But, if I sit here and wish all the time that I was in Portland, my life in Abilene will not be happy, because I will not let it. This was some of the hardest advice I have gotten, because it is something I definitely do not want to take, but I know it is best if I do. It hurts to file away PUMP, but it is in the top drawer as the very first file.

People change, it is something that I remember Belinda telling me when she was alive. I have realized that with someone I love a lot. It hurt me for a while and I cant allow that to happen anymore. I have to get to know the new person and love her for who she is now. And I will do it for the sake of friendship.

I miss Karla. She was always marvelous with stuff like this. Especially when it piled up. And eventhough we email and stuff, it isnt the same as her being here. Instead of being 6 hrs of road away she is 4 hrs of air. Iits hard, but another way for me to grow on my own two feet.

I miss Cheronn. Its amazing to have someone invest so much time and love from 2500 miles away. And the amazing thing is, she doesnt have to. She hasent known me my whole life, she isnt related to me, and she sure as heck isnt getting any big reward. And I think that is the greatest thing to me. I love talking to her, but as both of our lives have gotten buys, phone calls have gotten farther apart. It would be easy if she was here. Super easy. I thank God for giving me her, but I also praise him for bringing me back to Texas, for two years at least.


Belinda was always there for me and it is just amazing to have her face in the building where I will spend most of my time in the next 2.5 years. I miss her so much because she was always the one that I could talk to and cry to and praise to. And she took it all and came back with some word of extreme wisdom.

Life will be good from now on.
I just needed time to me.
And I needed to open nmy ears to God
And Belinda, who I know is always right :)

P.S. Knee is okay, but I couldnt walk today because I decided to walk on it for a long time Friday night and Saturday all day. Im a moron.

I miss everyone

Sounds like you are headed down the right road. We are praying for you. Be strong and courageous.

I feel your pain sister. I'll be praying for you.

Saying a prayer of blessing for peace and comfort on you today, Sarah. Love you much!

And thanks for the phone call - it was good to hear your voice. I told Trinity you called because you miss all of us. She said quiety, "I miss her, too." ;-)