What do you say when you lose a friend with no explanation of how?

I decided to trust in God.
I went home to attend the funeral of one of the youth members of West Houston Church of Christ. When I looked in the casket and saw the caked makeup of where the bullet went in.... I had no one to put my trust in, but God. No one can possibly make anything right in a moment like that. In a moment where all you believed about someone is being questioned, a moment when you remember all the good times that made your life happy, a moment where you wonder about all the other people in the room and what they are feeling. I couldnt help anyone else. I felt so helpless. Im sitting there watchig my best friend's break down into tears. I had to hold up my volleyball coach when she almost collapsed looking at the student who hit on her everyday in advisory.

So many things ran through my mind. Why would he choose to do something so irrational? I floated back and forth between sadness and anger. I didnt know what to feel. I was lost.

Then I had to drive to another funeral. My dad's woman coach and my junior high coach. I sat there in an African American Church and got touched more by the preacher then I had by my own preacher. That preacher gave me peace about Arnold. I will still miss him.

We can eat organic food, we can run until our legs wont move anymore, we can get all the checkups we can afford. But the truth is, God is going to take us when he wants us. He wanted Arnold... he needed Arnold. And I refuse to argue with God's needs.

Things are changing in my life. My mentor is moving, there are things going on with friends, and there are people leaving my life for good, but I will not run from God. I will run to God and embrace hom with open arms.

I have no words to write what Im about to write....

I remember him in McRae's room calling her the sexiest wife in the world. And that if he didnt think my Daddy would make him run, that he would say the same thing to me. He had the amazing talent of making the whole world laugh. I know that will greatly be missed. The random jump on Sarah times when I would be walking around the halls. THose times got less and less recently.... I feel like I lost his friendship a while ago. So why does it still hurt?

But, his last actions taught me so much. It made so many thoughts rush through my head.
The stupid World Series..doesnt matter
What Im wearing today.....dont care
How much I hate it here in Galveston....doesnt compare
Relationships falling down around me.... though hard, who cares?
My grades.... Wont get me anything
What others think of me...shouldnt matter

Everything on this Earth is so pointless. And I find is quite embarrasing that it took something so big for me to realize this. Im an idiot....and God as well as my friend, helped me realize that.....and I will never get the chance to thank him for that.....he was a good kid----he will be greatly missed.

Rest in peace, with God, FOREVER
10.25.05

Hmmmm well, I guess I should write on this again since I know at least one person reads it now (Deanna!!!!!)

I just got out of Health----at 8 in the morning...STUPID!!!

Anyways---college is okay, I guess. Let me tell you, ACU is looking so much better after my month and a half here. I dont like it at all. I dont like the atmosphere where teachers can do or say ANYTHING they want. And they dont seem to repect those of us who choose to have a relatinship with God. I cant wait to get to a school where most (if not all) of my professors are strong in faith, or at least respect their students. Im going full steam ahead with my transfer for next year. Looking into it financially---that is my Dads worse fear is that he wont be able to afford it and Ill have to end up at College Station because of our money situation. But we'll see.....

I dont like the feeling I get when I'm here. I feel like Im falling away from God when Im here. Ive made it a point to go home as much as possible. This month im going home every weekend except the 22nd. I like being able to go home and go to church at MY church. When Im here I dont even go to church because I didnt get to bring my car the first year. So I like going home.

Aggies for Christ is okay I suppose. It throws my worship off when I go in there and see a flute, three guitars, and a bongo...its really weird. But especially for those weeks when I dont get to go home---that is all I can get and so I go.

People are moving and my heart is breaking. Karla is leaving in the next two months. Pretty much when their house here sells----she'll be gone. Definitely NOT looking forward to that. My strong female Christian example that Ivee had since i was eight is leaving and I dont like it. I think this may be God saying that Im ready to be on my own and therefore, He is stripping me of the relationships that I put too much into. The realationships that take away from Him. Ive always been one for the physical so I think that I put more into the people I can see and get emotional support from more than I put into my relationship with God. So I think this is God saying, "HELLO WAKE UP!" And Karla being ready for this move and excited about it will hopefully make it easier once she is gone because I wont be worried about her meeting people or anything like I was when my best friends family moved.

Anyways---I need to get ready for English class----the worst teacher EVER...we talk about things in that class that I don even talk to with my own mother...GEEZ!

Well, Deanna, I guess Ill need to update more!!!