I cannot stand the word "Sorry". If you are around me. Please try to refrain from using it.

My disliking of this word all started my sophmore year of high school...my volleyball coach would always yell at us when we did something wrong on the court and we said "Sorry".

Sorry doesnt help what you did. It doesnt make it go away. You shouldnt apologize for what happened. You should just say, "Ill make it better". No matter what it takes...I will put forth my best effort to make it better.

The second experience that makes me detest this word happened yesterday. I was sitting in the auditorium of church with Karla and Susan Cutshall. And as I sat there crying my eyes out....Karla just kept repeating, "Im so sorry, sweetie...Im so so sorry" That didnt make the pain go away. It made it worse. Because as we both sat there crying and she kept saying she was sorry...it made me think that she did something wrong. She hasent done anything wrong. She is moving to support her husband in what he wants to do. That isnt wrong. Its what God told us women to do..submit to our husbands. And she is doing that...

So there are two reasons why I HATE the word "Sorry"

Well I really havent written on here in a few days, but really I havent updated any of my blogs recently. Alot is going on in my mind and at school---yikes! At least Im done after 345 today. I came back from home at 930 yesterday morning and Ill be done at 345...Im going to the great state of Oklahoma (BOOMER SOONER). At 4 Thursday morning. We go right over the border, so after our traditional breakfast stop at Whataburger, we usually get there at 11 or so. Im really excited about going this year. Im not sure if any of ya'll know about Camp Pettijohn Springs...its a Christian camp in Madill, Oklahoma dn my great Uncle Vance use to run it, lead it, maintain it----everything. He recently retired and so now my cousin, Travis does all that. I love to here when people have been there and know my Uncle Vance. He is a hilarious man and there are always great stories about him getting lost int the woods when "He knew where he was going" and all. But anyways, it is BEAUTIFUL up there. And the leaves are usually still all those beautiful colors of Fall. I have a lot of thinking to do. Karla is leaving for Portland in 8 days and I will see her for the last time on Sunday. I just need to talk to God and stuff---and Camp Pettijohn Springs is the BEST place to do that...I cant wait....

That is all---

My faithful Father, enduring Friend
Your tender mercy’s like a river with no end
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence
I stand in wonder once again

CHORUS:
Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Your grace still amazes me
‘Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say
I know there’s no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise

It’s deeper, it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
It’s deeper it’s wider
It’s stronger, it’s higher
than anything my eyes can see


Now by the title of this post, Im sure yall were probably expecting some explanation of my heart for the song, "Amzing Grace"...but that is not at all what this is.
This has to be one of my favorite songs right now. Obviously, for the reason that after last Sunday, it is now "Me and Karla's Song", but the words arent only memorable to me for that reason. I love this song. It is helping me through the hurt of this move. Karla has been "my mom" since I was eight. And I will never turn my back on that relationship. I know that we will last through the distance.

I believe it was God's grace that brought her to me. And as this song says, "Its deeper, wider, stronger, and higher." It is so much more powerful than the distance from Houston to Protland. And that is comforting to me. It doesnt mean this song will no longer make me cry... it will.... for a while. "It is Well with My Soul" still makes me cry because it reminds me of the Bentleys, my best friend's family who move to Kansas a whole 4 months ago. And I still cry. But this song has hidden messages...


Sorry this is short, but I have to run to history class....

Love ya'll!!

P.S. I hop eyou guys are noticing my more frequent posts.... they are all for you guys!!

So I want to thank Chad for telling me how to put my subscriptions up.. obviously Im having some difficulties because only Deanna's is there right now, but I imputed Deana's, Chad's Brian Masburn's AND Emily Wallace's... but Im going to keep working on it and hopefully, by the time this is read I will have fixed it.

The countdown is now at 2 weeks exactly. Karla is moving to Portland in two weeks. I am going home this weekend and so I will see her again.. you know... getting my "Karla Fix" before it is gone.... Dang.. its so weird to say that. Oh well.

Anyways, it got SUPER cold here last night. In all seriousness, it blew in on like a 5 min time interval. And of course it came with the wind, rain, thunder, and lightening. My roommate is from Alaska and they dont really get too much thunder and lightening so she wasent too enthusiastic. But me, it just once again showed me God's power... Karla has pointed out to me this scripture MANY times

"...the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."
-I John 4:4

As I stood outside and watched the storm last night it brought that scripture dear to my heart. God is greater than me. Can I cause storms? NO.... I dont have the power to do that. But God has all that strength to cause the water to falll and the ground to shake. I needed that storm last night. I laid in my bed and thanked God for one of his MANY reminders to me.... it was AMAZING... I loved it. I always love it when God says to me, "DUH Sarah... Im right here... Ive been here the whole time..."

Anyways, thats what I felt last night when my hair was being blown by the wind and all the car alarms were goin off. My mind was completly free and totally focused on God.

Jars of Clay
Worlds Apart


"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

I have come to the conclusion that God going to take my world apart so He can build me back up. This is the worst hurt I have felt, Karla leaving, but I know that it has to happen for me to put ALL of my trust in God again. I have to say that Im not excited about it right now... because I know there are more tears to cry and more hurt to endure, but I know that the ending will be worth it. And I cannot wait.

So well, here we go again. I hate to write this, but right now it seems that everything big going on in my life is horrible. But really, it isnt keeping me down... Im sad, but I kinda cut the sad points into a corner so it doesnt distract me from the good parts of my life.

So Karla is moving. In 2 weeks and 2 days. I am NOT at all excited. This Sunday morning was super super emotional for me. Her husband, has led singing in our church for a while. And this Sunday was the last Sunday he led it. Let me tell you, sitting there on the second row with Karla was the hardest thing emotionally Ive had to do recently. We are extremely close. This is KILLING me, literally. I hate it. And I rarely use the word hate. Its a strong word and I dont say it unless I truly detest something. This move, I destest with all of myself. Sad, huh?

Kerry came over to me and hugged me and told me that he loved me. I kinda felt it after that, but I tried to fight the tears for as long as physically possible. Well, the thing is....when communion came around it kinda hit me. I was sitting next to one third of my influences that helped me hrough the rough times and led me to want to give my heart to God. She had the toughest job of it too. Right after Belinda Smith (another third) died from breast cancer. I didnt think I would EVER bounce back. I was sad all the time and I was so confused on how God could take someone like that. And before I even got on the phone with my small group leader from Kadesh, Kathy. Karla was on the phone tellling me that we were going to Starbucks after the viewing and we were going to talk about stuff. I wont forget how she sat there after that funeral and held me as I cried. She just understood. She understood me and she still does more than a lot of people do. Thats what makes this so flippin hard.

Then one of our elders announced that we were going to listen to the first have of "Your Grace still amazes me" by Phillips, craig, and Dean. Well, my best friend and I cry to that song since her family moved to Kansas. But, this time. I was standing next to Karla and Kerry was up there singing his last song and it seriously started coming from all directions. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to not cry because I knew Karla would see me. So when we were listening to it I was sitting there with my head in my hands trying to hide the tears. Then Kerry said "stand up" and everyone stood. So I stood with tears literally streaming of my face. Karla and I just stood there and once again, she held me like she always does and we both cried.

I dont think either of us is completely ready for this. I thought I was ready. I thought I had prepared myself for the hurt my heart is feeling right now. But it hurts more than I thought. I dont know how to stop it, but I refuse to let it take me anywhere past sadness. Karla has been so busy selling the house here and buying a house there that I dont really think she has had time to stop and breathe....much less realize all that wis about to change. But I think after Sunday, we both got a HUGE knock of reality.

I refuse to let this bring me down. I will noot forget about it and Im sure it will bring tears for a long time, but I will put it in it's little corner and I will refuse to let is affect ANYTHING else in my life. If you ask me how Im doing. You will probably get a, "Good". Not a, I am lost, life stinks, blah blah blah... because life doesnt stink. You know what else that song brought to my mind? That there is so much that God does that still amazes me. His grace amazes me in so many aspects of my life. And God gives and takes away. Im just lucky that he chose to give me Karla when he did... no matter how long it was for. I was the Lucky One.

I will continue to pray for me AND Karla and Kerry. I hope you will do the same. Especially for them. They are moving halfway across the country, and although they are super excited about it.... its going to be a huge change for them. Please pray for them.