Have you ever had the feeling that you know someone is becoming part of your past?

I have it right now. My life is the best it has ever been. I know I have family and friends that love me. I am having the best year at school since ever, really. I'm becoming an adult; age and maturity wise.

So why does it still hurt knowing that I'm losing someone. Even if some would say I am the one pushing away? Maybe I'm not ready emotionally for this person to be part of my past. But still, in my mind...I cant help but think it would be the best thing for me after it is done. I don't even know if love will be there when its all over. I guess only time will tell.

Im 20 years old. Officially. I thank all of ya'll who sent cards and emails. And i got a pretty nifty package in my mailbox today from my bestest "adult" friend. Oh, and that little maroon thing :) Gotta love the parentals present of a Land Rover :)

This was the best birthday in a long time. I hung out with my friends here and the friends I am far away from made EVERY effort to make me feel love from miles and miles away. To start the day of talking to Cheronn on the internet and Julya on the phone. I have a new car, I have an income, I am getting to see TONS of my family in two weeks, Im going back to where I want to be this summer, and I feel like my life is going exactly the way I want it to.


Thank you God. For the first sentence of this blog, for my AH-mazing friends, and for the gift of yet another year.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I love people.

I love my family...
They are the best. So much better than I deserved. In my mind, I cant even picture a better group of people to share blood with. They put me before anything or anybody. Ive had rough times with them and we have had tears and fights, but now that everything is different, I realize how stupid the fights are and how much I love them.

I love my BEST friends...
There are a couple of friends that mean more to me than others. Yes, I show favorites. I know you are surprised :) What makes these people special? The truth that I hold with them. I have never held back with my best friends, they are my safe place. I go to them with tears, laughs, problems, and praises. I trust them to tell me what they think, but not force their beliefs onto my life. I know whatever choices I make, they will be behind me with love and open arms.

I love my friends...
My friends that are there to hang out and make me laugh all the time. Granted, they are there for tears and laughs. I am thankful that God put me in such a great situation with friends in club and school at ACU.

I love the little old ladies...
That come into my store and have no clue what they are talking about. They dont know what they want, heck...they may not even remember their own age. But they are the sweetest people of Abilene. Waltzing in with their chunky turquoise and their bright pink cheeks. They are my favorite customers.

I love those who don't love me...
Those who don't even know me, those who have judged me, and those who haven't even given me a chance. I love them in their weakness. I pray for their willingness to know people before they cluster them into a group. I will wait.

I love those who betrayed me...
Those who use to love me, or say they did. Those who made me cry, made me weak, and made me doubt who I am as a person. I will not be someone else's life and I will not let others run my life by changing me to please them. I will not allow the fact that I was wronged, change the fact that there once was a reason they were important to me.

I love those who say simple "hi's" now and then...
Because that puts a smile on my face for at least a minute. Someone who takes just a second out of their day to make eye contact and let you know that you are an important person.

I love kids...
One of the fews things that can definitely put a smile on my face in any situation. Especially my kids from PSP that tried me and praised me all in the same summer. The smiles, the hugs, and the love that kids give you are definitely a blessing.



I just read a few things in several different places today and it made me realize that everybody in your life needs love. Some of the things I read made me think that I didnt share love enough. And even through the hurt I read, I knew that some people know how much I love them, but it can't heal the hurt they are feeling. Some people don't want my love, but I know it is a commandment from God, and they will get it anyway :)

Sing Song
Well, it was fun. Definitely learned the lesson about politics. If you are a small club, you will not win. No matter how good you are. There will always be more returning alumni judges from other clubs and more audience votes for other clubs. It was just hard, because people kept telling us how good we were and how they didnt expect such a large sound from 38 girls. I was heartbroken at first. Now, I understand that it is just something Ill have to get use to in the adult world.

Ummm then this happened....





Thats right, friends. im the new owner of a 2000 Land Rover. That insurance money kicked it hard core :) Thank you AAA Insurance :) And my parents kicked in too :)
LOOOOVVVEEEE it!!!! This has always been my dream car. Its maroon, too....GIG'EM AGGIES! Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Thats all :)

I got a Valentine from this little girl today...




And it made my day. It was already a long day when I went to check my mail at 10 am, but I definitely had a huge smile on my face after it.

I love you, Trinity Rose :)

"To be overwhelmed is to underestimate God" ~ Tquan Moore


Wow do those words hit the heart right now.
Sing Song weekend is upon me, folks.

Last night we had a double run through that seemed to last FOREVER. But as I got on stage, did my Sing Song face, and "danced" (well, as much as we are allowed)...I had so much fun. Unfortunately, I am losing my voice, so I lip synced the second round last night and am abstaining from talking all day today. Hopefully Ill be good to go Friday and Saturday. Tonight we have another run through. Luckily, it is only one time through, though. I think there may actually be a bigger crowd tonight, though. Eventhough it isnt an official show time.

My parents are coming, Ill see them after the afternoon show on Saturday and they will leave Monday morning. They are going to the Saturday night show. And that means we can spend all Sunday together :) WAY excited. We are going to celebrate my birthday, too. Since it is next Friday and I wont be able to go home.

Still working. And as of Saturday, I will be the ONLY employee at Friendze. Our new manager lasted all of a whopping 10 days. And my coworker and friend, Jessica got a new job at Pepsi Co. and she gets to sit behind a desk and not have to deal with people all day, so I dont blame her. I will just start working about 30 hours a week, again. Maybe more, if they call me in on Tuesday and Thursday. We'll see.

Anywho----I guess thats it. Just a little update.

This video touched me so much that I cried.
It is so true and especially in my life right now.


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I really hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

Where are you now? I mean, I know where you are, but is it everything you taught us as we sat in the yellow plastic chairs around the table in Sunday school? Are you sitting on clouds looking after everyone you loved? That's a huge job, Belinda....you loved a lot of people. But, I know you are watching us all...huge jobs never intimidated you. You are missed down here more than you ever could imagine. Your words of wisdom, your smile, and your laugh...I want them back.

Three years have flown by so fast without you. The pink bracelet I wear on my right wrist gives me a daily reminder of who you urged me to become. God puts you in my thoughts daily, and I am glad he does---the last thing I would want to do is to forget you. The thoughts and prayers you surrounded me with three years ago acted like a plastic bubble for my life. I felt safe and I knew three times a week I could count on your arms wrapped around me, whether the reason be good or bad.

I try not to think about how my life would be different if you were still here. I like to think I would be the same person, but in my heart, I know I could be a better person. Ive tried to hold tight to the teachings you taught, but sometimes emotions get the better and I forget. I know some of the heartbreaks would have been easier, my experience at A&M would have been more enlightened, and there would have been a few more laughs.

Did you know that some said I went off the deep end when you died? I like to think that I just put my everything into things that didnt make me remember how much I missed you. I let volleyball take over my life for that year. I let pretty much everything take over my life that year. It hurt too much to remember, but I didnt want to forget, either.

Cancer isnt fair. Cross Canadian Ragweed puts it as, "if only love could be the cure for cancer." If that was true, you would still be here, of that I am sure.



I imagine right now you sitting at one of Lorn's baseball games cheering loud as you sit next to all of your friends. They miss you. I miss you. The world misses you, Belinda.

I love you.

Belinda Smith 07.17.04

Well, I had my "meeting" with a potential summer intern for PUMP.
I was nervous when I went in. I guess its because I felt like Erica would be a really good intern. Let me explain...Erica and I were in English last semester and talk every wso often this semester, too. Kristi emailed me and told me that she was interested in interning. So Erica and I set up a meeting...that took place today.
With the changes that are happening this summer, I wasent really sure what to tell her, because I didnt want to tell her something that would change. After a talk with Cheronn and an email from Kristi I realized just what I wanted to tell Erica. It went a little something like this...

PSP is amazing. The kids will love you like you have never been loved before. Seeing changes in them from the beginning of the summer to the end of the summer is astonishing. Eventhough we woke up at the crack of dawn to be at work, I never slept through my alarm or even hit the snooze button, because I always looked forward to a new day. Things arent always perfect. Things happen, kids frustrate you...but at the end of the day, and especially at the end of the summer...the difference you know you made makes even those hard days worth it.
Portland is the best city I have ever been in. I little different...I was definitely shocked when I got there. There is so much to do, that even with two days off a week you wont be able to do it all. Seattle is 2 hours away, as is the coast. But, just in Portland, there is so much to keep you busy for the whole summer. The food is great, the fun is great, and the weather is ah-mazing.
Lastly, I explained to her what the PUMP family meant to me. I told her how supported I felt through the whole summer. I also told her what a good support it was, because a chunk of the members actually were interns and know what we are going through the whole summer. I told her about Trinity :) and how much the little ones love on us and adore us. I told her especially how much I matured this summer, through the little ones and through the friendships I had with the "older" members, too. And naturally, I told her that my closest adult friend was made this summer, one that I talk to on almost a daily basis, one that knows everything about my life, one that cares for me and loves me more than I have felt in a really really long time.

...And, my dear friends. Erica is going to finish her application this week and send it in. [sign of relief from me].

I know that I didnt make this happen. This is to you, members of PUMP, helplers of PSP, kids of PSP and PUMP, and most importantly--God. You have all recruited yet another intern.


...thank you all for being you. I cannot wait for this summer. Can anyone speed time?

Its so amazing how blessed I am.
I sometimes fail to look at it that way, because yes, recently there have been HORRIBLE things that seem to happen to me.

But today, I set aside time to think about all God has blessed me with. With the stress of Sing Song (being in a room with 40 girls hass NEVER been my idea of fun, but its working out), work, and still hurting from my accident, it is VERY easy to focus on the rough and stressful.

So in order to keep my perspectives correct, I HAD to set time aside to realize my blessings.

Funny story, the car my Daddy brought me to use temporarily til I get a new one...is broken. No clue whats wrong with it, but when I shift down to turn corners, or park, the engine tends to turn off and I lose all power steering in the middle of the turn. GREAT! But as I was restarting it today, I realized...I can restart it. Im not walking in the snow. And I have a car---something that some people dont have. Also, my "adoptive grandfather" (AKA my Daddys old boss and my junior high principal) lives about 20 minutes from here and has been calling mechanics and dealing with the whole part of broken cars that I dislike. Amazing to have someone close enough to do the things they know I strongly dislike.

I absolutely LOVE school. I like my classes, I have the greatest friends, and this semester seems to be hectic, but do-able. I have great professors, fun classes, and fun down time!

I have something to look forward to this summer. I cant wait to go back to PUMP. Amazing people, amazing city, amazing work done by God.

Phone calls with one of my favorite people :) I get bored, I call Cheronn. Haha, and we end up laughing and having serious conversations all in the same hour. Something that is AH-mazing to be able to do in a friendship.

My parents are coming in 15 days. I CANNOT wait. I miss them a lot. Especially since all of the wreck and sickness...its hard to be away from home.

Ill officially be an adult in 21 days. 20 years old on the 23rd!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!!

Thats it, Grey's Anatomy is about to come on (ANOTHER blessing :)