I find myself on my knees praying to my Lord every day. Not because I have to. Not because Im scared what will happen if I do not. Not because of what I get out of it. But, because I feel that when I am in prayer I am talking to my best friend. The person who knows everything about me. I can sit there, think and say nothing, but my feelings and deepest thought are being heard. I cannot imagine a greater feeling. I love feeling important...I mean, doesnt everyone? Its one of the most preciouos feelings in the world. Knowing that someone loves and cares for you, just becauses you are you. I dont have to be a certain person, do certain things, or say certain things for God to love me. He just does. And that is so comforting. I havev prayed so many prayers....prayers of sadness, prayers of joy, prayers of thanks, prayers of anger, and prayers of desperation. And they are all heard. Many people give up on prayer because they do not get what they prayed for. I believe we all have our share of "disappointing prayers". I believe one of the greatest prayers are those of children. When I was nine years old I said so many prayers in the waiting room of Memorial Hermann Hospital, that my Poppa wouldnt die of his second stroke. I prayed that the cancer wouldn't take Belinda Smith away from our church. I prayed that my best friend's family could stay with her in Houston for her senior year. I prayed tha God wouldn't take Karla when I felt like I needed her the most. Those, obviously are what I see my most disappointing prayers being. But, I also have prayed very rewarding prayers. I prayed that my best friend could stay in Houston her senior year, I prayed for Carol Wilson and her cancer, I prayed for complications in marriages, I prayed for sick babies, and most of all...I prayed for strength through all the "unanswered prayers".

I find that my most recent prayer has been answered. And in a different way than I had expected. I prayed for God to lead me where He wants me this summer. I prayed at first, for Kansas. So I could be with my best friend for the summer, so I could intern at my "Little brother and sister's" youth group, so that I could be comfortable when I was, "doing what God wanted me to do." But, I now know that I was praying for the wrong thing. I wasent praying for God to place me where He wanted me. I wqas asking God to change His plans for me by putting me where I wanted to be---and it just conveniently was where I would be the most comfortable. Well, I definitely got a huge stop sign on that. When I knew that I didn't get that job, I started earnestly praying for what my Lord REALLY wanted me to do. I went to Oregon to visit Karla and I got my answer. It was a blessing in itself that I even got to Oregon for Spring Break. It is a long way away and my first time to go that far by myself. But, as I continued to pray for God to lead me where I was needed (by the way---planes are an EXCELLENT place to pray). Turns out, PUMP was looking for interns. I love kids, i seem to be good with them, and most of them like me.

Now, this is definitely not where I will feel most comfortable. I know this. I will be living with the greatest people in the world, yes. But I will not know the kids. I do not know the city...heck, I dont even know the state. Things are definitely different up there (YOU CANT EVEN PUMP YOUR OWN GAS!!!). My best friend won't be any where near me. My momma and daddy will be 2,375 miles away. But....I have never felt God tug on my heart strings harder. This is where He wants me. I am going. I am being called. I will bring and show God's love to these children. I now cannot imagine better way to spend my summers.

I am very very nervous. But, knowing that God and the staff and Karla and Kerry< :) > are behind me make me feel that this is right. And that is all I need to know.

So, my GREATEST blessing is knowing that I have a Savior that will lead me where I need to go and will not let my own selfishness/wants get in the way of His purpose in my life. That is a GREAT blessing....

Today is Alisa Bentley's birthday (Emily....comment on her xanga, missy). I miss her. She is in Kansas, what is suppose to be her new home. No one has accepted it fully yet. I think deep down we are all kinda expecting her to bust into the dchurch office and drag me and Julya out to go to Rosa's "because its my birthday and we do what I want to do."

Alisa Bentley made my second semester of senior year what it should be for every high scholl senior. She was there for the hard times and the fun times. She was there for the all important 4 hour conversation at 2 o clock in the morning at EQUIP. She was there as a friendship crumbled in front of me and I couldn't stop it. Alisa Bentley always has my best interest at heart. She will tell me what she thinks, even if initially it emotionally hurts me. I love Mamasita.

She wants to be beack home more than anything. To spend HER day with her best friend and her "kids". That is the hardest part of it all. Last year there were posters hung around Wednesday night Youth Group wishing her a happy birthday. This year....she gets cards in the mail. I know it is hard for her. I just want to be promised that up there in Kansas, she will let out her famous, "smoking laugh" at least once and that she smiles.

One a day like today when I yearn for her to be back home. Her REAL home. I find myself taking comfort in God to help her get through this day and be happy. I know He will, and I know He will comfort us in Houston to get through the hard phone calls to her and know that He is providing for her. I andso thankful that I have a God that provides emotional stability in times of trial

I heard a quote on the TV tonight.

"You are just trying to find yourself. Maybe all of this is happening so you can find yourself."

I thought that was a cool little quote.

So, blessing number two. This isnt really one that I will elaborate on because it is kinda self explanatory. I was cleaning my room the other day, because I told my momma I would hae it done before I left for Portland. And since I have a job the three weeks in between school and Portland...I will be wanting to spend all my extra time with my friends and not cleaning. So I have started. Last weekend I did my desk (all the drawers and under it, etc.) and under my bed. Folks, I am so materialistically (sp?) blessed. People say that materials don't matter. And really they dont, but it is nice when you realize how much you have. I have never hurt for toys, clothes, and especially shoes and purses. I am amazed. I have lived in my room for 13 years and so it has really accumulated a lot of stuff. I am very very blessed.

Dear Father God,
Thank you so much for all the material things you have given me. Eventhough I know they are not necessary, they are nice to have. I realize that all of these things have come from you. Thank you for giving me things that make my life more comfortable and fun.
Amen

Ummmmmm since xanga gets so much attention (like every day attention). I have decided to do that here to. So I have been feeling really really blessed recently and so, Im going to do a series....stupid, maybe, but it garauntees entries and will remind me daily for a few days of some of my best blessings :)

Relationships

***My Best Friend***


My Jules, I dont know really what to say about her. I have never really said I had a best friend. Until January 2005. I made the decision to move down to on level Geography from above level, to make my 2nd semester of senior year bearable. When I walked into Mr. Sandefur's class I recognized Julya. I knew she was in West Houston's youth group drama team. I never really talked to her, but just like when you walk into any class for the first time, you look around for familiar faces. She recognized me, but since our youth group contains at LEAST 100 kids, we never really talked. And of course, my volleyball career that regretfully took me out of many of the WHYG activities. Anywho---- Julya and I started talking in class and since I was done with volleyball the previous November, I was at church stuff more often. We ended up in the same Sunday night small group. We got to know each other pretty well. Well enought that I ended up going to Oklahoma with her, her mom, and her moms best friend in March. It was one of the best trips of my life. To me, it solidified our friendship. I could live with her for a few days, I got along with her mom really well, and we had a blast on that trip. I ended up spending more time at Julya's house my from March til July than I did at my own house. Which leads me to my next relationship blessing.

**The Bentleys**




First off, yes, Julya has a father, but he traveled A LOT for his job so there were rarely pictures of him. Eventhough he is the one that kept asking me where the adoption papers were. Haha, oh Kevin Bentley. For most of my life, I had seen those friends who were so close to each other's families. And I kinda envied that. I know, Im not suppose to do that---but I did. I had never experienced it and I kinda always had wondered what it was like. Well, when Julya and I becamse best friends I took on her family too. And I would not have traded it for the world. There were mornings I would go over there and Julya would still be asleep so I would sit down and talk to Alisa (her mom) and then end up taking Mace and Ben to the pool or somewhere. Its just like I was another kid. I ate what I wanted to, slept there when I wanted to, and asked Alisa for permission to do things like her own kids. Eventhough they are in Kansas, I still talk to them so much. That is the reason I have a xanga.... when there is a period that I do not post, I get an irate phone call from Alisa wondering what I am doing.

**Karla**


Wow, how do I explain this to you guys who have no clue. Im pretty sure the only people who know the full extent of my friendship with Karla is Megan and Emily a little bit. People may find it weird that one of my best friends is an adult. But you know what? To me a best friend is something to tell everything to, someone you know will support you emotionally, physically, and most importantly spiritually. Karla has done all of the above in the past 11 years. I trust her with my life. And I am doing that this summer, basically. She has always been there for me spiritually--- evevn when she is over 2,000 miles away. She was the one that was there when I was spiritually falling after Belinda died. She made the effort to draw me in closer. And I will never forget that. She helped me realize what God has given me and helped me to ultimately accpet God as my Savior on Decembe 19. 2004. I cannot express how much I love her.

**My Parents**


These are the people that brought me into this world. As I look down into my mother's eyes..it still shocks me. I have always been Daddy's little girl and I know that I can tell him anything and every thing. My momma is always there for me. Eventhough we don't always get along, I know that she really has my best interests at heart. I know that both of them would give their lives for me and really there is no better blessing that God could have given me. I love them more than anyone could express in words.


Dear Gracious and Giving God,
I want to take time out of my day to thank you for the relationships that you have put in my life. I know that each of these friendships blesses me in different ways. Eventhough some of them have changed in the passt year, I know they are all strong enough to withhold the strongest pulls. Thank you for providing for me in the way that you know I need.
Amen

So I have been looking through my saved emails recently. Most of you know that my email address is tamubound@sbcglobal.net And well, I made up that address when I was in like 10th grade and I actually wanted to be a A&M. But now, i have so many emails saved on it that Im super scared to erase the address because I dont want to lose most of them. Like there is close to 250 from Karla, a lot from my Kadesh groups and leaders, from my best friends family since they've been in Kansas...and so many other people. Things about PSP and PUMP, Emails that I may need at the end of the year from A&M. So the way I figure it, Ill just wait and use my ACU one when I get up there this Fall. That way I can still keep all my good emails. Or maybe I can save them to a disk or something. Eh, well see.

Anywho all of that to intro this email that I got one time from one of my old friends' mom. She actually sent this after her husband died unexpectedly which makes it even more meaningful.

"Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God. "

I think that is definitely something we should always remember. If she could send and believe that after she lost the love of her life. It should be easy for the rest of us, right? I know---not true, but it puts perspective on things we you see someone going through harder stuff than you and they can still send this.

Okay, Im waiting for my laundry to get done so I can put it in the dryer. Im going to read some Blue Like Jazz (Em, Im bad---Im just now getting back to it....life is stupid....busy college...stupid. But, Im going to finish it this week because it isnt going to be a busy week)

MEGAN YOU HAVE A BLOG!!! We are both crazy. We have what? Like 4 of these things. I have 5 because of CyFalls Alumni, but we are crazy.

Well, my dear friends.....
If the March Madness, well...madness, hasent taught you anything....you need to watch the tapes.

Dictionary.com defines the word underestimate as being, "To make too low an estimate of the quantity, degree, or worth of." LSU definitely has been understimated in the past couple of days. Duke and Texas were both taught the consequences of underestimation. Yes, folks, I was definitely rooting for the Tigers. They beat A&M and in turn, I want them to go all the way. AND THEY COULD GO ALL THE WAY!!

Don't we all have an abnormal tendency to underestimate a lot of things in our lives? I know I have... and most of the times it isn't a great feeling.

To many times, I underestimated God's plan. When people you love die, its hard not to. I was looking through the West Houston Church of Christ Directory and I turned to the page that had a picture of our dear sister, Belinda Smith...



For those of you who did not have the honor of knowing her, Belinda was the kind of person that made the world a better place. No one was too insignificant for Belinda and we knew that. Some of us in the youth group leaned on Belinda for emotional and spritual support, knowing her from the days she taught us in kindergarten and grade school Bible class. She was always interested in peoples' lives and always wanted to help. Even if you didn't know her well, you could have stepped into the auditorium of West Houston Church of Christ and know how many lives she affected by the fullness of the room. Chairs had to be added to the nornal pews that served to be enough for Sunday morning worship.

I admit that I definitely underestimated God's plan when He allowed Belinda's body to give into the cancer it had been fighting for years. I didn't know how such and influential life could be taken so easily. Why would God want to take someone who did so much to further His kingdom?

Underestimation is something I learned in the months after her death, that should not be partaken in. I no longer allow mysself to underestimate anything. Especially God and His plan. So many faces I saw at that funeral have shown up every Sunday to West Houston. Faces I do not believe I would have seen if things have been different. But most important to me, out of my struggle with Belinda's death...one of my friends became something so much greater. Karla Lowery was there at church since I was around 5ish. I knew who she was. Most of the people who read this blog know who she is as well, and truthfully---if you are anywhere when she is singing. You know who she is. When I was eight dur to weird scheduling in double worships, I sat with Kerry and Karla Lowery every Sunday morning. But after that funeral, Karla took me deeper into her heart and I never really looked back.

God gave me Karla and because of all that I have gained through our relationship, I have never underestimated again. I have been cared for emotionally, spiritually, and physically by the person God chose to put in my life when He wanted to take another one....

Why do we find it so easy to underestimate? Even to the point, where most times we do not even realize we are doing it. I did not know I was underestimating God. I think if I knew I thought I was...I would have made it a point to stop. But I didn't even know. But, I was and fortunently we have a God that will point out our weaknesses and do His best to help us through them.

So, friends, whether it be a sports team, a person, or God, Do not underestimate. The effects seem to always be negative and the feeling you have when you walk away is not a good one.

Blessing to you all this week!

So, the day after I spill my thoughts and my heart out on my blog.....

I GOT A CALL AND I GOT THE JOB AT PUMP!!!!!!!

Im going to be in Portland this summer and I cannot wait. Seriously, i dont know how I will make it to ten weeks from now without exploding from excitement. I know this is where God wants me and I cannot wait to do His work. Im so ready!!!

LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
"God will not deliver him."
Selah [a]
3 But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift [b] up my head.
4 To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah
5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
6 I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.
7 Arise, O LORD!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8 From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah

So Julya, my best friend, and I have decided to do a daily study on Psalms with eachother trhough email. We have both decided that we need to be in The Word more. Its easy to run to the Bible, look in the Concordance for a word that describes what we are feeling, read the verse, and then shut it and never look back. We both are very uneasy with that and so we have decided to read one chapter of Psalms a day and then email eachother our interpretatin and thoughts about it. I think it is going to be really good for the both of us. We have never really done a study together. Which is weird, but I think it will bring us closer. The only person Ive done a Bible study with is Karla. And I liked it a lot.

Anywho----we are on vese three today and it just rang true in my ears. I love this verse. This was the prayer I prayed for a long time this past year. I lost the Bentleys to Kansas, Karla to Oregon, and I felt as though I was losing myself to Texas A&M Galveston. It wasent a good feeling for me at all. I was losing someone I had gotten so close to so fast (which was weird to me), I was losing someone I had held onto so tightly for 11 years, and I felt as though I was losing who I had worked so hard to become.

I prayed the above prayer so much. I cried so many tears. And I didnt think I would ever make it through this year. I didnt think God heard me. I didnt see any indications that God heard me.

Buuuuutttttt, I think God is leading me somewhere. And I could be totally wrong about this and Im still listening to God and praying that His will be donw through me.... but this is what Im thinking.

I went to Portland this past week to visit Karla and Kerry. I was up there on a Sunday, and was lucky enough to attend PUMP, which is a church modeled after Houston's IMPACT. I LOVED it up there at that church. The kids that I helped Karla teach were amazing. I don't think I have ever felt so welcomed and loved so quickly by someone. It was an amazing feeling to me.



Then I went to worship, let me tell you, Other than Kadesh Ampitheaters I have to say that was my favorite worship I have evver been to. You can feel there. You can feel free to worship in whatever way you feel best glorifies God. I love that feeling. No offense to my church, but I always feel weird raising my hands and bowing my head. But at PUMP, it is just so different. I love it. I felt God in that room.

Ifve never worked with inner city kids and I feel that would be an AMAZING opprotunity for me going into teaching. And will definitely take me out of my comfort zone to serve those kids to the fullest.

Julyas family has moved. That means she wont be here this summer---she will be in Kansas
Karla is in Portland, as close to a mother as I can get without being my real mother. She makes me feel safe. I trust her with my life.

So, this is all leading to how I feel God is answering my prayers. I may be going to Portland this summer. I have applied and I will know for sure by April 6th. But, I have a strong feeling about it. I have never felt God tugging at my heart so strongly as I do right now. And it feels like everything in the pasts year has happened for a reason.

There is really nothing holding me to Houston this summer. My parents are there, yers. But they will always be there. A lot of the college kids I hang out with are going elsewhere to intern. My best friend will not be there the whole summer. I really really think that this is God telling me where I need to be. There is nothing holding me to Houston, but there is a goal to be reached in Portland, and I think God knows me perfectly and he shows that by putting Karla there, knowing that I do not like being alone yet, maybe after this summer, if I go there, I will be willing and excited to go out on my own, but where Im at in my life right now, I need those, "Strings" as Kerry put it.

Thank you Lord for understanding me and loving me still

Little man (Dawson) can give an Aggie "WHOOP!" Thanks to Emily Wallace :)
PUMP (Portland Urban Ministry Project)Church House.
Me and Karla in front of what I think is the Columbia River?
Me and Karla in front of a huge waterfall and a tree with moss on it.
Mt. Hood from the mall parking garage. Portland folks get to see that almost everyday, those lucky lucky people


So, those are just some of the pictures I (and Kerry) took while I was in Portland. It was so much fun and so beautiful. I didnt want to leave.

But here is the deal, I definitely may be going back. As of right now Im sitting at about an 80% (how i percive it from my parents) of going to Portland to intern this summer. It is called PSP---which stands for Portland Summer Program. Basically I would be helping teach the inner city kids to read in the mornings and doing VBS type things in the afternoons for 7 weeks. I would be up there for a total of 10 weeks becacuse I would need time to prepare and get trained for all of it and I would need to stay a week after to help clean up. It is such a good opprotunity for me. Kansas announced that they had hired thier interns sometimes last week. I was definitely disappointed because I wouldnt be able to spend time with my best friend and her fammily. But now, Im thinking that God may havev a reason for not giving me that job. They church I would have interned at was pretty much the West Houston of Kansas City. And my "younger siblings" or my best friends siblings were in the youth grouop so I hae a small feeling that I would be more partial to them and their group of friends which is something that a youth intern shouldnt do. At PUMP, I will be taken out of my comfort level, something that I will definitely need to do when I become a teacher. Everything seems to be poiinting in the right direction and so I hope I get to do this!!!

Please pray that God's will be done in this situation.

Well, I got back from Portland last night and it was the most disappointing return from any of my vacations. I went into this trip thinking it was going to be raining and cold the whole time and basically I was just going to spend time with Karla. I was definitely wrong. Portland is the most beautiful place I hae ever been. It was so much fun and I didnt want to get on my plane to come back to flat, yucky, hot Texas.

But anyways, if whomever reads this could say a little prayer over the next couple of weeks. I was approached by a year long intern at PUMP who also interned at West Houston for a couopole of summers when I was in high school. She wanted to know if I was interested in interning at PUMP for 10 weeks during the summer as an intern at PSP (Portland Summer Program). I just would appreciate prayers because the only thing left is my parents to say yes or no. Seeing as how I would be across the country for such a long time, I know this will be very very hard for them.

Ill go more into this all later, but I need to go with my mom to get her hair cut and get my pictures deveolped!!!

So, it is finally here. I leave my house in about an hour and 20 min and I will head to the airport. I CANNOT wait. I never thought I could pack such a suitcase for a three day trip. But of course, I have jackets and sweaters and a ridicuolous amount of layers. I like hoe most of my friends think im crazy for going to a cold placec for Spring Break. But they just couldnt understand. Im not going there for the weather. Im going there to get my Karla fix for a while. Haha, and of course Kerry and EMILY!!!!!! I am excited.

so thats all for that thought....here's another one....

Things change. As much as I hate to admit it all the time, they do and its something that just has to be a part of our lives. As I sit and think of all the tough changes Ive gone through and Ive seen my closest friends endure, it gets me down and makes me think of change as being something totally negative. Yesterday while at Target, I got a reminder that effects of change is all in how you percieve it. My old best friend's mom has been struggling with the death of her husband for three years. And you know what? It made me smile when she called me over and showed me how she now signs credit card bills at Karin Adams instead of Karin Weitzel. I saw the joy on her face and I almost cried. Three years ago I sat next to her at the "reception" after her husbands funeral and just listened to her bawl and felt the tears running down my shirt. I thought things were never going to be the same. I thought she wouldnt ever smile again. Seeing her happiness meant the world to me.

Change isnt bad. Maybe it is for a while, but YOU get tho choose how cange affects you and my goal is to not let the negativev effects linger anymore.

*Karla is gone, but Kerry is living out his dream job
*The Bentleys are gone, but my best friend go to stay here
*My first year of college has been horrible, but it will make next year so much sweeter
*Belinda died, but so many people came to our church because of her
*My life hasent been easy, but I like to think Ill be a stronger person in the long run

Okay, I need to put bags in the car and get the makeup on and such. YEAH PORTLAND!!



Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account. " Ecc. 3:15

So, i got my official acceptance letter to ACU, that is all.... I was just really excited

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You are on to me
That I only come home
When Im so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything I gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know that its true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
Im so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe



I love this song right now. It has been one of my favorites for a while. So many mistakes, so little time. But I believe. And I know He will never give up on me. This song is comforting. This song makes me forget about all the doubts of the past year. I know they are forgiven and I should forget them.